


Fall Into Me

by GreyHaven



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: BDSM, Fluff, It's just hinted at, M/M, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Responsible BDSM, Romance, Smut, but not in detail, some emotional angst, warning for implied past abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 00:23:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11429322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyHaven/pseuds/GreyHaven
Summary: Originally a PWP one shot that the boys took seriously and then this happened.  Reviewed by my beta reader as 'sexy and romantic'.Lots of smut, lots of emotions, some fluff and some emotional angst.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> With huge thanks to SweetSynergy for cheerleading, beta reading, moral support and making this possible <3
> 
> Set in a trouble-free AU, same timeline as the series
> 
> Title from Fall Into Me by Brantley Gilbert, which I played on repeat while writing this :) You can [listen here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bm1UtTmfTR8)

**Nathan**

I hadn’t thought of myself as That Sort Of Cop.  You know, the one who abuses their power, who gets off on having people cuffed and pinned to a wall.  There was just something about doing it to _Duke_ which sent a thrill rushing through me.

He’d waltzed back into my life two years ago, all full of swagger and false confidence, carrying on with his criminal activities right under my nose and not giving a flying fuck about it.  The urge to _take him down_ went beyond my duty as a cop.  I wanted to bring him to his knees, to see him laid bare, to find out what was behind the mask he wore as a disguise.

Maybe it was the fact he seemed to _enjoy_ being arrested.  Every time I cuffed him, a light blush of red crossed his face and he wouldn’t look me in the eyes.  Oh, he always pretended to put up a fight.  I think he liked it more when I shoved him around a bit first.  I kinda liked it too.

Oh god, I sound like a dick now, don’t I?  I don’t mean it like that.  Well I do.  But not...  Oh fuck it...  I was only doing my job, nothing more, nothing less.  There were just certain compensations to it and seeing Duke up against a wall with his hands cuffed behind his back was one of them.

It wasn’t even just that I enjoyed the sight of him like that.  Every time I arrested him, I hoped it would be the last.  Every time.  I _wanted_ him to turn his life around, to get out of this lifestyle, to stay out of prison.  To stay safe.  For some absurd reason, I actually _cared_.  Even when he was being a shit, when he was throwing punches and snarky comments around like nothing could hurt him.  If arresting him could possibly change things for him, I would do it every day of the week.

He hadn’t changed though.  Not until Bill McShaw handed him the keys to the Gull.  It was his lightbulb moment, the single thing which prompted him to get away from the smuggling.  Well, mostly.  I still had suspicions about some of the high-end booze he was selling but I was letting it slide.

Audrey had been good for him.  For us, really.  She was the magnet which brought us back to being friends.  When she’d left, I worried that things would go back to how they had been.  Duke smuggling, me arresting him, punches every other day.  It hadn’t happened though.  If anything, the uneasy friendship deepened and we started to enjoy each other's company again.  

We spoke about her sometimes.  She hadn’t been here long, only when we were working that one case together.  It had taken months to get to the bottom of it but we got there eventually and it was a relief to find out that Duke _hadn’t_ been involved.  That had been my worst fear.  Once we’d arrested the guy, Audrey had gone back to her day job in the FBI.  I knew Duke still missed her friendship.  I did too.

But there we are, things change, and the upside of her leaving is that Duke and I were buddies again.  Admittedly mostly drinking buddies, but it was an improvement on where we _had_ been.  I kind of missed having to arrest him on what felt like a weekly basis.  Not that I’d ever admit that.  No.  That was...weird.  I was happy for him.  Genuinely.  

Just...every now and again, a thought crossed my mind.  An image really.  Nothing I hadn’t seen before.  Duke cuffed and backed into a wall.  Except in my head he was naked, his eyes dark, his lips parted, his cock hard.  Wanting me.  Wanting me to fuck him, to hurt him, to take everything he had and more.

What the fuck was wrong with me?  I mean...I’d had relationships...ok, _encounters_ , before, but nothing like _that_ .  I didn’t _want_ to hurt him.  Except I did.  Only not in any way that he didn’t want me to.  Did that make me a terrible person?  Probably.  Oh well, not like anything was gonna happen anyway.  

Each time the thought appeared, I shoved it further back down, ignoring it, hoping it would go away.  It didn’t.  I tried letting myself think about it.  Late at night with only my hand for company.  That didn’t help either.  If anything, it made it worse.  It appeared more frequently after that, fighting its way to the surface more and more often.

It was over some good natured bantering that my life changed forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Duke**

“What exactly is  _ wrong _ with wearing a cardigan?”  I ask, deliberately keeping defensiveness out of my voice, even though I’m kinda feeling a little bit defensive.  It’s  _ cold _ , I am wearing my cardigan.  Clothes are for practicalities, not decoration.

Nathan glowers at me.  “Nothing.  If you  _ want _ to be arrested for crimes against fashion.”

Yeah, like he knows  _ anything _ about fashion.  Mr jeans-and-a-t-shirt-with-a-jacket-if-it’s-cold.  He knows  _ all about _ fashion, doesn’t he?  I roll my eyes at him.

“Any excuse to arrest me, right?  Get me in those handcuffs again?”

“Yeah, probably.”

He looks shocked that he’s just said that, I don’t think he planned to and he probably regrets it.  And he blushes, he actually blushes, and it’s  _ adorable _ .

Now I just have to decide how to respond.  I could brush it off but it’s too tempting to make something of it.  Maybe I could tease him about it just to see him blush again.  He’s looking down, avoiding my eyes.  Shit.  He means it.  He actually means it.

Well, that’s...fascinating.  Not like I’ve never thought the same thing.  Should I admit that?  Probably not.  But he’s right here.  In my bar.  Three feet away from me.  It’s now or never.  I lean across the bar, resting my elbows on the hard wooden surface and speak softly to him.

“Interesting.  You don’t have to arrest me for that.”

He blushes again, even deeper red than before.  He’s so cute when he does that.  But his voice drips with sarcasm as he replies.

“Really?”

Yes, really.  Fucks sake, Nathan, are you that oblivious?  I’ve played with this stuff before, I can recognise the signs and, gods, I’ve wanted you since I was old enough to know what  _ wanting _ was.  I don’t say that though.  I just nod and turn back to serving drinks.  Ball’s in his court now.

“ _ Duke _ .”

The intensity of Nathan saying my name surprises me and I spin around.  He’s leaning across the bar and the look on his face is  _ fierce _ , almost wild, and incredibly  _ hot _ .  I go to him as though he’s ordered me to.  He hasn’t, of course, but it feels right.  I stop in front of him, relieved that there’s three feet of mahogany bar top between us, and wait.

“ _ Really? _ ”  He asked me again, his hand sliding across the bar towards me.  I stay just out of his reach.  Between the thoughts he’s just put in my mind and the almost crazed look of desire in his eyes, if he touches me now I know I’m going to fall and fall hard.

My heart thuds, blood pounding like a drum in my head.  I keep still, caught like a rabbit in headlights.  Yeah, I’m scared.  Pathetic, isn’t it?  It’s not like any of this is  _ new _ to me, but it’s  _ Nathan _ , it would  _ mean something, _ and that’s fucking terrifying.

I think fast.  If I throw it off like I was joking, that’ll be it, there won’t be a second chance.  But admitting that I want  _ that _ , that I want  _ him _ , even...well that would leave me wide open and vulnerable and I don’t particularly like that thought.  I like the thought of losing this chance even less.  

He’s still looking at me.  Waiting for an answer.  I know he won’t give up.  He probably doesn’t even know which answer he wants to hear, but he won’t drop it.  I turn away from him, just halfway, buying myself enough time to plaster a grin onto my face.  I probably look manic but I’m aiming for easy and winning, charming almost.  I turn back to him, my arms open as I lean on the bar, lean towards him.

“Yeah.   _ Really _ ,” I tell him.  “What are you planning to do about it?”

My boldness surprises me but if he’s shocked, he does a good job of hiding it.  He sits back, arms folded and nods.  He just fucking  _ nods _ , like that’s supposed to be an answer.  And then he ups and leaves without even glancing back at me.

A wordless huff of almost-laughter escapes before I can stop it.  Typical fucking Nathan.  Who the fuck does he think he is?  I’m irrationally pissed off with him but deep down I know it’s my own fault.  I started this whole  _ thing _ that I don’t know what to do with.  


	3. Chapter 3

**Nathan**

After I left the Gull, left  _ Duke _ , I drove home on autopilot.  It felt like my world had been turned upside down and I couldn’t think straight.  I prowled around the house, restlessly wandering from room to room, unable to settle.  Nothing was holding my interest for more than thirty seconds, my thoughts cycling back round to Duke and what he’d said.  What I’d said.  All of it.

Had Duke really just said that?  Fuck, had  _ I _ really just said that?  He’d looked so... _ open _ , so unguarded that it took me by surprise.  It wasn’t a side I was used to seeing, that naked sincerity.  It was a tantalising glimpse of what was behind the disguise he wore.  And of course, I had no fucking idea what to do about it.

Because that was me.  Clueless.  At least when it came to this sort of stuff.  Everyone joked about me having no game with the chicks but clearly I had no game with the guys either.  I didn’t think I was  _ that _ bad but clearly I was.  I tried to think of a way that conversation with Duke could have gone any worse.  Should have just kept my mouth shut like usual.  So much for honesty.

So I’d left.  I’d nodded at him and left.  What the actual fuck had I been thinking?  Nod and leave.  Yeah, that was a great way to handle it.  Just what every man wants when he’s just laid himself open.  I screamed at myself inwardly.

Of course the best thing would have been to not say anything in the first place, but now it was out there I had to figure out how to deal.  Options ran through my mind.  I thought about just dropping it, pretending it had never happened but that wasn’t a serious option.  If we were on the same page, and it damn well looked like we were, then it was worth doing something about it.  Right?  Right.

So that was one thing ruled out.  It was a start at least.  Now I just needed to work out  _ what _ the something was.  Talk?  Well that wasn’t exactly my strong point.  Action?  Might be easier but beyond the fact that he apparently wasn’t averse to being handcuffed, I had no idea what Duke actually  _ liked _ .  It was a daunting thought.

‘What are you planning to do about it?’  Those had been his  _ exact _ words.  His deliciously tempting words.  Trouble was, I didn’t know.  I didn’t  _ have _ a plan.  I hadn’t planned  _ any _ of it.  It had just slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it and and I still didn’t know how that had happened.

The image of Duke was stuck in my mind now.  Naked.  Cuffed.  Backed against a wall.  Oh fuck, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  About all of the possibilities.  I let my mind explore those possibilities.  What I might do to him.  What I wanted him to do to me.

Heat rose to my face as I wondered what Duke might like, what he might be into.  How much control he might let me take.  Was I ready for that?  To take his trust and hold it in my hand, keep it safe and not break it?  It was a frightening thought.  Would he,  _ could he _ , do that?  For me?

Well, there was only one way to find out.  I checked the time.  His shift would be nearly over.  If I went to the Rouge, he’d be home before long.  I picked up my car keys and jumped into the truck.  Now or never.  Good.  I was actually going to do something about it.

My heart fluttered in my chest as I drove and I wound the window down to try to clear my head.  I still had no idea what to say...what to do.  I just...I couldn’t  _ leave _ it.  Maybe it would all become clear when I got there.  Either that or it would be horribly awkward and there would never be enough alcohol in the world to make me forget.

The harbour appeared all too quickly and with it, the sight of Duke’s Landrover.  He must’ve finished early tonight.  It crossed my mind that he might have been as affected as I was but I quickly ruled that out.   _ Nothing _ affected Duke.  I pulled up alongside and shoved the gear lever to park.  Now or never.

Whether Duke had heard me or whether he’d been  _ expecting _ me, I didn’t know, but he was on the deck waiting for me and  _ god  _ he looked hot.  I don’t think I’d ever really  _ seen him _ before.  Not like this.  Not as he stood there, shirtless and barefoot, with a look in his eyes that was just daring me to do  _ something _ .

I stepped into his space.  Slowly.  Giving him time to move away if he wanted to.  If I’d read this wrong.  He didn’t but his breathing turned ragged, giving me a clue that I was on the right track.  He leaned into me as I placed my hand in the centre of his chest and I could feel his heart beating quickly under my fingers.  

So he  _ was _ as affected as I was.  Interesting.  I pushed, gently but firmly, moving him backwards until his ass hit the wall.  I leaned closer, pinning him there, my chest against his.  I could feel his breath on my face as I angled my head and bent to whisper in his ear.

“You think you can just say something like that and not expect me to do something about it?”

He whimpered, such a  _ pretty _ sound, and a flush of heat ran through my body as I realised… He was  _ mine _ .

“Tell me what you want, Duke.


	4. Chapter 4

**Duke**

After Nathan leaves, I busy myself with cleaning glasses.  It’s good.  Repetitive work that I don’t have to concentrate on, that gives me a chance to think.  Or not think.  Whichever.  That isn’t the point.  The point is that he just fucking left.  Who does that?  Oh yeah, right,  _ Nathan does _ .

I’m not sure what I expected, it’s not as if I handled it any better than he did.  Maybe I should have just  _ shut up _ and not let my mouth get me into trouble.  Again.  Admittedly it got me  _ out  _ of trouble as much as it got me into it, but this is definitely one time I should have kept quiet.

Well, what’s said is said, can’t go back and change it now.  Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky.  Although in this context, I’m not sure what  _ lucky _ actually means.  It might mean that he forgets everything I said and we can ignore it.  Or it might mean he actually  _ does _ something about it.  At this point I don’t know which I’d prefer.  Embarrassing awkwardness or mind-blowing pleasure followed by embarrassing awkwardness and probably a broken heart.  Mine that is.  The only thing I’m certain of is that it  _ would _ be mind-blowing.

So I clean glasses and I serve drinks and I wash dishes when the kitchen gets busy.  And I  _ think _ .  Probably far too much.  All this thinking isn’t good for me and I’m well aware that I’m snapping at the staff.  My team.  My  _ people _ .  They don’t deserve this so I apologise and make my excuses to escape early.  I think they’re relieved to see the back of me.  The place runs perfectly well without me anyway, which is a pretty disconcerting thought if I’m honest.  Right now it’s working to my advantage so I’ll worry about that another day.

It doesn’t take me long to get back to the Rouge and it’s a relief to be alone with my thoughts.  I know Nathan.  If he’s going to do anything about it, it’ll be tonight.  He’s a now-or-never sorta guy.  I don’t let myself think about how that might go.  The things he might do to me.  The things I might  _ let _ him do to me.  Nope, definitely not thinking about  _ that _ .  There’s too much hope there and that way danger lies.

My heart gives a pathetic leap as I hear a truck pull up outside and I recognise the sound of the engine.  I tell myself to stop being hopeful.  He’s probably just here to tell me he didn’t mean it.  All the same, I go out onto the deck to meet him.  Shit.  I should’ve put a shirt on, shouldn’t I?  Now I just look easy.  I convince myself that that’s the exact look I was going for, even though it’s ridiculous because it’s actually fucking freezing.

I just know I’m grinning like an idiot and I try to turn it into a cocky smirk instead.  I don’t know whether I succeed but he steps across to me and gets up in my face.  He moves without hurrying, as though he’s unsure of himself, or maybe unsure of  _ me _ .  His hand is hot on my skin and I inwardly curse at my body’s reaction as my breathing hitches and my pulse races.

He presses harder, pushing me backwards and I go willingly.  Yes, this.   _ This _ is what I want.  Come on, Nathan, take charge.  Before I know what’s happening, he’s got me held against the wall and I have nowhere to go.  Not that I want to.  Right here, that’s where I want to be.  Trapped between him and the cold metal as the soft fabric of his shirt floats across my nipples.  He angles his head and I think he’s going to kiss me but his voice is soft in my ear as he breathes the words.

“You think you can just say something like that and not expect me to do something about it?”

The whine escapes me before I can stop it and I hate myself for it.  Not exactly the cool, calm, seduction I was aiming for.  He just… He’s so  _ close _ and possessive and gorgeous that I can’t help myself.  It’s a relief when he backs away.  Just an inch but that’s all I need to start breathing again.  And then he  _ speaks _ and his voice is deep and low and soft.

“Tell me what you want, Duke.”

My brain clouds over.  I can’t answer him.  He’s looking at me with something like concern but I don’t know if he’s concerned for me or for himself.  I try to steady myself, try not to let my thoughts run away.  

“What do you want, Duke?  What do you like?  Help me out here,” he sounds slightly desperate, unsure of himself when only moments ago he was so  _ determined _ .  That helps, oddly, it helps me to know that he needs me to guide him.  

I lean forwards, my hand resting on his shoulder as I whisper into his ear.  “Whatever you want.  That’s what I like.  I like whatever you want to do to me.”

Because that’s the long and short of it.  I get off on this stuff.  Being used, being taken, being a plaything.  Even a bit of pain, sometimes.  The more pleasure I can give someone, the more I enjoy it.  Some people would say it’s fucked up but I’ve long since given up caring what anyone else thinks and I’ve long since made my peace with what I like in the bedroom.  Or any other room.  I’m not fussy.

He’s shaking under my hand as he speaks again.  “But...I don’t want to do anything you don’t want.  I don’t want to hurt you.”

Ok, that I can deal with.  He’s not used to being dominant.  In fact, come to think of it, I don’t know if he’s used to  _ any _ of this.  Reassurance time.

“You won’t.  Trust me if you can’t trust yourself.  I know you won’t do anything I can’t handle and I also know I’ll tell you if you get too close to a limit.”

“Fuck,” he breathes the word.  “We are definitely gonna need to have a real conversation about this.”

“Yeah, probably.”  Actually, he’s right, we definitely need a conversation.  But not right now.  Right now I just want him to take me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Nathan**

It was a relief to hear Duke tell me to trust him.  I needed to hear those words.  Reassuring me that  _ he _ was actually in control of this, no matter how much I pretended to be.  He might  _ want _ to be in handcuffs but that was definitely not happening tonight.  Discussion first.  I didn’t have much of a clue about this stuff but I did know we needed to talk and set some boundaries.

Helped to know he  _ wanted _ me though.  That took some of the pressure off.  And he’d proven enough times that he was just as physically strong as me and I knew he could overpower me if, god forbid, anything went wrong.

“Inside,” I told him as I stepped back to give him room to move.

He laughed softly.  “Exhibitionism not your thing?”

“It’s pitch black and we’re on a boat in a deserted harbour, it’s not exactly exhibitionism,” I replied.  “Besides, it’s freezing and you look cold and as much as I  _ want _ to see you naked, I’d rather you didn’t die of hypothermia.”  

Well it was  _ partly _ that and partly that I didn’t want to be caught in a compromising position.  That would really not be good, all things considered.  But it was mostly not wanting Duke to get even colder than he already was.  As eye catching as he looked in his barely dressed state, his comfort was more important than my desire to take him right here on the deck.

He turned and rushed inside, leaving me to follow more slowly.  I checked the door was closed and ran the bolt across, the way I knew he always did, before following him through to the living area.  My breath caught when I saw him.  

The soft light made his golden skin almost  _ glow _ .  He’d taken off his pants and was kneeling in the middle of the room, legs spread, hands resting on his thighs, his cock hard and pointing towards the ceiling.  He was on display.  Waiting.  For  _ me _ .  It was a beautiful sight.  

My feet carried me across the room like a moth drawn to a flame.   _ His _ flame.  I stopped in front of him, the toes of my boots nudging at his knees.  He moved them further apart, opening wider for me and craned his head back to look me in the eyes.

It was overwhelming.  The way he’d just...done that.  Presented himself to me.  Unguarded.  Exposed.  His face was full of undisguised honesty.  Trusting.  He was telling me that he was putting his faith in me.  Letting me know, without words, that this was what he wanted.

Reaching out, I stroked his hair.  It was soft and silky under my touch and I fought back the urge to  _ pull  _ it, to yank his head back.  I knew he wouldn’t complain but we needed to talk more about what was and wasn’t ok.  Instead, my fingers ran gently through his hair, tangling slightly, pausing to scratch his head.  He purred, a sound deep and low in his chest, contented and surprised, like no one had ever been this gentle with him before.

I had to take a moment to gather my thoughts because he was kneeling at my feet, offering himself to me, letting himself be open in a way I'd never seen before.  I'd thought I was the stronger one, the dominant for lack of a better word, but I couldn't do what he did.  I couldn't leave myself open to hurt like that.  It was powerful and it stirred something in me.

“Nathan,” his voice broke me out of my contemplation.  “Can I suck your cock?”

Fuck.  He asked permission.  That was...fucking hot and I stifled a groan.  He was still looking up at me, expectantly, hoping I would let him.  Everything he could have asked for and what he wanted was to pleasure me.  I nodded, inwardly cursing my sudden inability to speak.

His hands moved to my belt, swiftly unbuckling, eagerly undoing the fly of my jeans and pushing them down my thighs, my boxers following so my cock sprang to attention.  Surprisingly gentle fingers stroked me, wrapping around, taking hold of me.  He held me steady with one hand as he moved his head closer, his mouth open, ready to take me between his lips.  It took every ounce of my self control to push his head away and shuffle half a step backwards, awkwardly hampered by my jeans around my ankles.

“Hang on,” I muttered.  He sat back on his heels, waiting patiently as I bent down to rummage in my pockets.  He plucked the condom out of my fingers as soon as I’d stood back up.

“You came prepared,” he sounded amused, like maybe he hadn’t  _ expected _ me to be.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” I snarked back at him, mildly annoyed that he thought I might  _ not _ have been.

“Just an observation,” he mumbled as he ripped open the wrapper with his teeth and rolled the condom onto me.  

Even just that simple act felt  _ so good _ .  It wasn’t just that it felt good, it was  _ everything _ .  It was having him at my feet, ready and willing and aroused.  It was the look of hunger in his eyes.  It was the way he was so compliant.  

As soon as his lips touched me, I knew I wasn’t going to last long.  He was slow and deliberate as he worked my cock into his mouth, licking and sucking.  I felt my cock hit the back of his throat and he paused, steadying his breathing before swallowing to take me deeper.  Fuck, he was clearly an expert at that.

Soft hair brushed my thighs as his fingers flexed on my hips, encouraging me to move.  No, I definitely wasn’t going to last long.  As much as I wanted to last, it was entirely  _ too much _ .  I tried to let him set the pace, wanting to be gentle with him but it was clear that wasn’t what  _ he _ wanted.  Letting my instincts take control, I moved faster.  He grabbed my ass to pull me closer and swallowed around me.  That was all it took.  My mind went blank and I shivered in pleasure as I came.

He rested back on his heels again.  I wondered if his knees were hurting by now, because that did not look comfortable.  Discarding the condom, and pulling up my jeans, I offered him my hand, intending to help him up.  He brushed my hand away but took the cue anyway, uncurling himself from the floor and stretching like a cat.  He leaned in and planted a kiss on my cheek, a single show of affection.

“Thank you for letting me do that for you,” he said with a smile on his face which was almost shy.

“Should be me thanking you,” I told him.  “Now lie down.”  I shoved him towards the bench so he landed on his back, laughing as he went.


	6. Chapter 6

**Duke**

It’s difficult to explain how I feel being on my knees in front of him as he fucks my face.  It awakens something animalistic deep inside me and, as he loses control, it’s exhilarating.  I’ve done that to him.

I don’t take his hand when he offers it.  It seems...incongruous, somehow.  Besides, it’s not like I can’t manage on my own.  Yoga has it’s uses, you know.  That said, my knees scream at me as I stand up, reminding me I’m not 25 any more.

There’s a hint of stubble, rough under my lips, as I kiss him on the cheek.  It crosses my mind that maybe kissing him isn’t ok, that maybe it’s a step too far.  I back off.

“Thank you for letting me do that for you,” I say.  I think there might be a goofy smile on my face.  Great, that’s just the impression I was going for.  I try to hide it again but by the look in his eyes, I don’t think I succeeded.

“Should be me thanking you,” Nathan said.  There’s a growl in his voice as he tells me to lie down and pushes me hard so I fall on the bench.  I can’t help laughing.  He’s even more handsome when he plays rough and it’s electrifying.

He taps my thigh so I move out of the way and sits alongside me as I rearrange myself so there’s space for him.  He looks momentarily uncertain and then his hand is on my cock and it feels  _ so fucking good _ .  His eyes are full of fiery passion tempered with icy control, boring into me as though he can see deep into my soul.  I could lose myself in those eyes.

His grip is firm but his fingers are tender on me.  They feel cool around the heat of my cock.  He starts to move, long, steady strokes running from base to tip, circling the head on each upstroke.  Euphoria rises in me and I close my eyes to escape the intensity.

“Stop.  Please.”  The words fall from my lips.

“Duke?”  His voice answers me, soft, questioning, hesitant, scared he’s done something wrong.

I can’t explain.  I can’t tell him that this is what I like.  That I want him to bring me to the edge of pleasure over and over again.  I can’t tell him that I want him to make me beg, to reduce me to a hot, pleading, mess.  I try to be reassuring as I tell him to start again.

Maybe I don’t have to tell him because he cottons on pretty quickly.  His hand moves again, slow and teasing, gradually working me towards my peak before stopping.  I grit my teeth and he laughs when I whine in frustration.  I momentarily forget why I even asked for this in the first place, it’s maddening, waiting for him to move again.

He doesn’t make me wait long and he moves faster this time, his fingers closed more tightly around me.  Fuck I hope he doesn’t stop again.  My hips move of their own accord, fucking my cock into his hand.  Don’t stop, I want to tell him, let me come.  I stay silent.  I’ve given this to him, put my pleasure under his control, it’s up to him now.

My cock twitches and throbs when he stops, desperate for  _ more _ .  I try to sit up, to take matters into my own hands, but he pushes me back down.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”  He taunts me.  He knows.  I glare at him before dropping my gaze and nodding my answer.

_ This time _ , I think, as he strokes me again.  Let me come this time.  I can’t take much more.  Words tumble from my mouth, a symphony of please and Nathan and don’t stop and let me come.

For a split second, he pauses and I think he’s going to torture me some more but he’s just changing his grip.  Heat and pressure build inside me and my hands search for something to cling to.  Nathan’s hand is there, holding mine, grounding me.

“I’ve got you, Duke, let go.”

That was it, I needed to hear him say that, almost as though he was giving me permission.  My orgasm hit, deep and intense and I cry out as I spill into his hand.  And he’s there, he’s right there, pressing close to me, whispering sweet, soft, nothings as my body relaxes and I come down.

All too soon, he stands up and I think he’s going to leave.  Which is fine, there’s no big romance here, we’ve both got what we want, no reason he has to hang around.  I’m wrong, though, he’s just going to the bathroom.  He comes back and passes me a towel before he sits on the bench opposite me.

Clean up done, I pull on my pants.  It feels sort of pointless, he’s seen all there is to see, but I feel oddly naked now it’s over.  He must be more observant than he seems sometimes because he asks if I’m ok.  He actually asks.  Like that wasn’t the most intense orgasm of my life.  I bite back laughter.  Laughter would not be good right now.

“I’m fine.  All good.  Thank you.  For asking and…”  I wave my hand, trying to indicate ‘everything’.  What the hell has happened to my words?  I am usually  _ far _ more eloquent than this.  Apparently my earlier thoughts that this would be mind-blowing were entirely correct.

He nods back at me.  He’s a man of few words, our Nathan.  I try to read him, work out what he’s thinking, but he’s a closed book.  I want to know what’s written on his pages, what he keeps hidden behind that solid, hardback, cover.

“Getting late.  I could...uh...I should probably get going,” it  _ almost _ sounds as though he wants to say he could stay but I get the feeling that isn’t his style.  He’s probably already regretting it.  Well, if he is, there's nothing I can say to change that.

“Yeah, it’s late,” why do I feel so awkward?  It isn’t like this is my first merry go round.  But this is  _ Nathan _ and that makes it different.  

He's halfway to the door when he turns around and comes back to kiss me on the forehead, surprisingly intimate as he cups one hand under my chin.  

“Want to do this again sometime?”  He whispers into my ear.  He’s gone before I can answer, long strides carrying him out into the night.  

Do I want to do this again sometime?  Thoughts run through my mind, always coming back to the same one.   _ Hell, yes _ .


	7. Chapter 7

**Nathan**

Leaving hadn’t been easy.  It had never been my style to fuck and run.  But I know Duke and waking up next to me in the morning would be the last thing he wanted.  I’d seen a side to him that I hadn’t expected and it was  _ beautiful _ .  Those few moments when he’d dropped every last defence and pleaded with me not to stop.  Just… Wow.  Everything I’d hoped for and more.

But as soon as it was over, the barriers were back up.  It was like he could give me his body but his mind, his heart, they were his own and no one would ever get inside them.  Not that I could blame him, too much hurt in his past.  I wasn’t the person to get through those barriers.  I’d arrested him too often, punched him too many times.  My face went hot as I thought about that.  

Having seen what I saw tonight, how could I  _ ever _ have hurt him?  I wanted to  _ protect _ him.  Keep him safe from everything, not let anyone cause him pain ever again.  Except… Well I  _ did _ want to hurt him.  In every single way he wanted me to.  I wanted to take his pain, take everything he had to offer, and guard it fiercely.

Could he forgive me for everything I’d said and done  _ before _ ?  Could I forgive myself?  I didn’t even know if he’d want to do this again.  Not like I’d given him time to answer when I’d asked.  Too scared that he might say no.  I decided I was worrying about nothing.  We’d both had fun, nothing more to it than that.  If it happened again, then I’d worry about forgiveness.  Until then, I’d put it to the back of my mind and carry on as normal.

It didn’t work quite as well as I’d hoped.  My nights were spent lying awake thinking of Duke and wondering whether he was also lying awake.  I vaguely hoped he might be losing sleep over me but every time I saw him, just a glimpse from far away, he looked fine.

Me, on the other hand, I was looking  _ tired _ .  People at work started to notice and comment.  And speculate, which wasn’t exactly comfortable for me.  It was after I filled in the wrong details on the same form for the third time that I decided I had to do something.

Another couple of days passed while I tried to work out what the  _ something _ was.  It wasn’t like we were kids, couldn’t exactly just go up to him and say ‘will you go out with me?’.  I suppose I could have picked up the phone and invited him for a beer, but that sounded too much like a date and I didn’t think he’d appreciate that.  Besides, there didn’t seem to be much point inviting a bar owner for a beer.  He was probably sick of the sight of the stuff.

So after work one evening, I stopped in at the Gull, all casual like I was just there for a beer on my way home.  Except he knew full well that it was a mile in the wrong direction and there was a bar on my usual route home.  Ok, so there wasn’t much pretence but it wasn’t like I’d never drunk in there before.

Of course, he saw straight through it and he studiously ignored me for the first half hour while I sipped at my beer and tried to make it last.  He circled from customer to customer with easy grace, looking every inch as though he was born to do this.  He flirted with everyone, a charming smile making the difference between no tip and a five-dollar bill pressed into his hand.  I knew he didn’t keep the tips, they went straight into the staff jar to be divided equally.  He wouldn’t take a single cent, it was all for his team.  His people, he called them.  They were his family.

Eventually he prowled across to me.  The charming smile turned wicked as his eyes met mine and he leaned across the bar.

“Y’know,” he started, conversationally, before he dropped his tone to a whisper.  “If these people weren’t here, I’d be on my knees with your cock in my mouth.”

He backed up and turned away, leaving me looking like the village idiot with my mouth hanging open.  Had he actually just said that?  Well, at least I had an answer now, he  _ did _ want a repeat performance.  Or something.

My pulse raced as I half-shouted his name.  It was noisy enough in here that it wouldn’t seem weird.  Not that I even cared about weird by that point.

“Got a quiet storeroom?”  I asked him when he came back to me.

“Can’t wait til closing, huh, Nathan?”  If he was taken aback, he didn’t show it.  “Go to my office, I’ll be there in 5.”

The office was cramped, barely enough space for two people among the furniture and filing cabinets.  I pulled out the desk chair and sat, waiting semi-patiently.  I couldn’t work out if he was making me wait just to show me that he wasn’t at my beck and call, or if he was just busy.  Probably the latter and I felt momentarily guilty that I was distracting him from his work.

He dashed through the door in a flurry of activity, locking it behind him, and I tried to speak, to tell him that he didn’t have to be doing this, to go back to work.  But then he was on his knees again, unzipping my flies to ease my already-hard cock out, ripping open a condom wrapper, and it was fast, and it was dirty, and it was breathtaking.

Afterwards, he went straight back to work, before I could even offer to take care of him.  If he’d even wanted me to.  I followed him back out to the bar and he half winked at me before turning his back and serving customers, without a hint of what we’d just been doing.

How did he  _ do _ that?  I was certain the whole world could read it on my face.  Not least the guilt that I had just  _ used _ him.  I sat back at the bar and ordered another beer.  He didn’t serve me, didn’t even acknowledge I was there.

I’d gone there fully intending to talk to him but then he’d been kneeling in front of me with his hands on my thighs and my cock in his mouth and we  _ still _ hadn’t had a conversation about what we were doing.  What. The. Fuck.


	8. Chapter 8

**Duke**

Afterwards, I think about telling him.  Explaining that this is what gets me off.  That the look on his face as he comes fills my fantasies for weeks.  That I don't need him to touch me to turn me on.  That if he ever wants me to suck his cock, all he has to do is ask.

Of course, I want  _ more _ than that.  I want anything he wants to do to me.  Or wants me to do to him.  Somehow I don't think he'll understand that so I carry on looking after my customers and don't bat an eyelid when he leaves.

If I’m being honest, I feel a bit guilty after he’s gone.  Maybe that wasn’t fair to him.  I’d instigated the whole thing and then ignored him.  Actually, to be  _ completely _ honest, I  _ might _ have done it deliberately to avoid The Talk that he so obviously wanted to have.

That thought rings through my mind for the rest of the evening.  Even as I’m pouring the drinks, I’m thinking about what I might say, how I might explain, wondering how much I might have to tell him.

See, the thing is...I’m not submissive.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always found it easy to  _ yield _ .  In the bedroom, I mean, not anywhere else.  Anywhere else, I’m about as stubborn and hot-headed as they come.  But giving up control of my body...that’s effortless for me.  There have been some times in my life when that was the  _ only _ thing I had to surrender, times when I had nothing else to give someone.  And yes, there have been times I’ve given it to someone who didn’t deserve it.  An asshole that’s taken it entirely  _ too far _ , a different asshole who used it to fuck with my head and I am definitely  _ not _ down with that.

My point is that it’s never been a challenge for me.  It’s just something I want.  Need.  I need to give myself to someone.  The right someone.  Not someone who needs to chain me up, physically take control of me.  Not someone who insists on asserting his authority and demanding my obedience.  That...isn’t me.  I need someone who wants to take what I’m offering, someone who wants me to give myself to him.  Someone who inspires me to want to give myself to him.

Someone like Nathan.  Nathan, who finds any excuse to arrest me, justified or not.  Who enjoys slapping those handcuffs on me just a little too much.  Who actually seems to give a shit.  He said something to that effect once, told me it was for my own good, that I’d end up dead or in prison if I kept on, that he didn’t want that for me.

It hurts to admit it but he was right, I would have done.  

Not now though.  Bill gave me the Gull and I hope he knows just how much of a difference that’s made, how much it means to me, how grateful I am.  It’s given me a purpose, a way to get out of the lifestyle I was in.  Well, there are a couple of exceptions but even Nathan ignores those now.

Yeah, now that I think about it, I owe Nathan a hell of a lot.  He wants me to be the best version of myself I can possibly be and it makes me want to be that person.  For him.  His belief that I can do that makes me  _ able _ to do it.  Not that I’d ever admit that to him.  We’re just friends, right?  I mean...ok, maybe we’re heading towards friends-who-fuck, but still, it’s not something you say to a friend.

But we do need to talk.  If we’re going to be doing whatever  _ this _ is, we need to set some ground rules.  I think about how that conversation might go.  I mean, ‘safe, sane, legal’ should pretty much cover it, right?  Maybe not...

And that’s how I end up here, late at night, standing on Nathan’s doorstep with a winning smile glued to my face and a bottle of whisky clasped in my hand, praying to every god I (don’t) believe in that I’m not about to fuck this up.

As he greets me he looks pleased to see me, which is a good start, and he ushers me through to the living room.  He sits on the sofa, looking as hot as ever.  He hasn’t changed from earlier, he’s just lost his shirt, but he’s still annoyingly overdressed in jeans and his undershirt.  I stop myself from thinking that.  I’m here to talk.  I fold myself into the armchair and set the bottle on the coffee table.  He gets the hint and goes to get glasses to drink out of.  Probably a good idea, wouldn’t be appropriate to start drinking straight from the bottle.

Not that it isn’t a tempting thought because now that I’m here, I realise I have no idea how to even start this conversation.  Fortunately he takes the lead.

“Tell me what you like, Duke.  Give me some guidance here,” he runs his hands through his hair and he looks so focussed and emotional that he’s almost panicked.  It occurs to me that he hasn’t done anything like this before and he’s so terrified of getting something wrong that he doesn’t want to do  _ anything _ .

I take a deep breath and try to explain.


	9. Chapter 9

**Nathan**

It was a relief to see that Duke looked almost as nervous as I felt.  He was draped across my armchair in the way that he always managed, as though sitting on a chair was new to him and he didn’t quite know how to do it.  At least he’d brought whisky.  I thought we might need a lot of that before this conversation was finished.

I listened as he spoke.  He explained that he wasn’t submissive, it was just something he enjoyed in the bedroom.  I managed to cough back the snort of laughter and stay serious.  He wouldn’t take kindly to being laughed at, even if what I was actually laughing at was the fact that he thought I didn’t already  _ know _ that.

After a while, he clammed up.  It was a good talk, reassured me that his mindset was in the right place.  He wasn’t using me to punish himself for something, he actively enjoyed this stuff and he wanted to enjoy it with me.  Couldn’t deny that that felt just a little bit flattering.  He could have anyone he wanted, but he wanted  _ me _ .

We were still no further forwards in discussing what he  _ actually _ wanted though so, once we both had a couple of drinks in us, I started firing questions at him.  I’d spent some time on Google, enough to pick up some of the terminology, what I should be asking, safewords, that sort of thing.  He answered each one honestly and openly.  Fortunately we agreed on where the limits were.

Tentatively, I asked him about pain, needing to know where he stood on that.  He laughed as he replied.

“Not always my thing but yes, if that’s what you want, I am definitely ok with it.  Just do me a favour and leave my cock out of it.  That only likes nice things.”

When I mentioned punishment, he didn’t hesitate.  

“If it’s just in play, yes, but not for anything  _ real _ ,” a dark look crossed his face as he spat out the last word.  My heart skipped a beat and a chill went down my spine as I realised someone had used  _ this _ , something which was supposed to be  _ fun _ , as an excuse to really punish him.  My heart broke a little bit.  

“No, not for anything real. Ever,” I replied quietly.  That was  _ not _ what this was about and I was determined that no one would ever do that to him again.  I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and protect him but I knew he wouldn’t take that well.  Not right now, anyway.

As though he could read what I was thinking, he tried to reassure me.  

“I like to be used, that's exactly what I'm here for.  Hurt me in any way you want to, it's all good.  Really,” the smile was firmly back on his face and I believed him.

“And does it all have to be about that?”

His smile faltered the tiniest bit.  “What do you mean?”

A sudden impulse struck me and I crossed the room to kneel at his feet.  He looked vaguely uncomfortable but he was still smiling, waiting to see where I was going with this.  I decided to press on, relying on him to tell me if there was a problem.

“I mean, Duke,” I undid the button on his pants.  “Can it be about pleasure too?”

He laughed which was not  _ exactly _ what I’d been aiming for.

“It’s  _ all _ about pleasure, that’s what I like.  But I can see where you’re going with this and yeah, you won’t get any complaints from me.”

Ok, that put my mind at rest.  It was only fair, after all, he’d done it for me earlier and this had to work both ways.  No matter what he said, I wasn’t planning on using him for anything.  Besides which, we weren’t kids any more and I needed more than a few hours to recover.

Unzipping his fly, I motioned for him to raise his ass so I could work his trousers down his thighs.  He paused to pull a condom out of his pocket and rolled it onto his already-hard cock.

God, he was responsive.  From the moment my lips touched him he was breathing hard, a slight moan escaping on every exhale.  Slowly, steadily, I worked him deeper into my mouth, feeling his dick throbbing beneath my tongue.  I moved my head, using my lips, my tongue, licking, sucking, until he started to move beneath me.  

He was holding himself back, I could tell.  I raised my head so I could speak.  “We’re not playing right now, you don’t have to wait.”

Maybe he needed to hear me say that, maybe he’d just been worried that I might be about to stop, to tease him, but when I started to suck again, he let himself go.  His fingers twisted in my hair carefully, not pulling, letting me know the pace he preferred.  The whines were becoming more high pitched, little whimpers of desire as his hips stirred, unable to keep still.  

As his orgasm hit, he whispered my name and his cock pulsed in my mouth.  He fell back, relaxed and contented, with an expression of sheer bliss.  I stayed where I was for a moment, then shifted so I was sitting next to him, my shoulder pressed against his knee.  I  _ needed _ that contact, needed to be near him.  He might be down for quick and dirty blowjobs in the store room but that wasn’t really my style.


	10. Chapter 10

**Duke**

Well that was...unexpected.  Not that I’m complaining.  Just because I like the rough stuff doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a perfectly executed, well timed, blowjob.

It occurs to me, as I’m cleaning up, that despite all we’ve done so far, we haven’t actually kissed each other.  Talk about skipping steps.  I should probably make sure we do something about that, because this isn’t just sex for me and I don’t think it is for him either.

He hasn’t moved and I drop to the floor beside him.  Fuck, why do I feel like an awkward teenager?  Oh right, because it’s Nathan and it  _ means _ something.  It terrifies me, if I’m honest.  I haven’t been...involved...with anyone since… Well, since.  I don’t think I can do it again.  Too much hurt, too many memories.  I can’t let someone that close to me again.

I can give him my body, let him hurt me in any way he wants to, but I can’t give him my mind.  It isn’t just sex but I can’t give him my heart.  Which is probably fine with him anyway because he doesn’t let anyone in either, he’s locked up as tight as I am.  Maybe more so.

And then I kiss him.  My fingers are on his jaw, turning his head towards me, asking, demanding that he kiss me and I know I shouldn’t be asking for this.  He kisses back and takes control and I know I’m going to get lost in him.  In his soft lips, in the nip of his teeth, in the warmth of his arms as he wraps them around me, so strong and unyielding, protecting me, letting me feel as though nothing could break me.

Fuck, this is dangerous.

This is  _ not _ what I planned  _ at all _ .  Not that I’ve actually planned any of this, but this is not what I’ve been looking for.  I just want my ass grabbed, my hair pulled, to be pushed down and fucked.  I don’t want  _ feelings _ .  And now here I am.  With actual feelings and not a single clue what to do with them because it’s  _ Nathan _ and I should have known better.  Too much water under the bridge to  _ not _ have feelings.  Fucks sake.

I’m going to get my heart broken again, aren’t I?  Maybe not.  Maybe I can just make this about the sex.  Or at least convince  _ him _ it’s just about the sex.  Ok, that’s the plan.  _  A _ plan, anyway.  First step, leave.  None of this cuddling stuff and definitely don’t stay the night.  Just another few seconds…

He breaks away before I do and he’s smiling at me.  He starts to say something but I cut across him.  If he’s asking me to stay, I don’t think I can say no.  If he’s asking me to leave, I don’t want to hear it.

“I should get going.”

His expression is unreadable, his usual deadpan self, but I think I see a flicker of disappointment in his eyes.  I pretend I don’t see it.  He’d prefer it that way, I think.  Either way, he doesn’t object which is good.  I don’t need a discussion about why I can’t stay, not when I’m not entirely convinced myself.  Besides, it was only a blowjob.

I keep telling myself that as I drive home.  I keep telling myself that as I fall asleep.  Somehow, by the next morning, I’ve convinced myself that I can do this.  I can make this  _ just sex _ and keep my emotions out of it.

Even as I’m packing the sandwiches I made into a paper bag, as I’m driving to the station, as I’m walking into his office.  Voluntarily, for the first time in my life, I’m going into the police station and I’m  _ still _ convinced it’s just about the sex.  Even as he smiles and greets me, closing the door behind him so we won’t be disturbed.  As he lets out little moans of appreciation as he eats the sandwich.  As he tells me how good it is and my heart does backflips of pride at being on the receiving end of his praise.

He apologises that he doesn’t have more time, that he can’t take a proper lunch break, but he’s buried under a mountain of paperwork and he can’t put it off any longer.  He waves his hands to indicate the mountain of paperwork and it does look pretty daunting.

“Thanks for lunch,” he says as he stands close to me.  Close enough that I can feel his breath on my face.  Close enough that we could kiss.  We don’t, because it’s just sex.  And lunch.  Whatever.

So I tell him it isn’t a problem and then I leave, kicking myself because I should have said something more.  Something smooth and seductive that he wouldn’t have been able to resist.  Yeah, I still don’t know what that would have been.

I go back to the Gull and start prepping for the evening rush.  Thoughts of Nathan fill my mind.  The way he looks, the way he smells, the way he says my name so it sounds like a caress.  The sparks which rocket across my skin every time he touches me.  How it might feel if he fucks me.

My concentration is shot.  I’ve counted the same shelf twice so my stock take is useless.  I throw the papers across the office and slump back in my chair, folding my arms across my chest and generally sulking.

Only one thing for it.  I pick up my phone.


	11. Chapter 11

**Nathan**

Momentary guilt crossed my mind as Duke left.  It was really sweet and kind that he brought me lunch.  I hadn’t been expecting it and didn’t have time to spend with him.  I hoped he knew that my apology was genuine, that I wasn’t just making excuses.  

Burying myself in paperwork, I put those thoughts to one side and got on with the job.  I’d go and see him later, make sure he didn’t think it was a brush off.

After a while, the words were starting to blur in front of my eyes and I was grateful of the distraction when my phone pinged.

_Duke:_   _Can’t stop thinking about you grabbing me and taking me_

Well that  _ was _ an interesting thought.  I eyed up the steadily diminishing pile paperwork and ran some calculations in my head. Another couple of hours to go.  I could get out of here early enough.  I replied.

_My place.  6pm.  Bring lube._

I did have some, I was...er... _ prepared _ for such things, but I figured it didn’t hurt to remind him what he was in for.  He wanted rough, I could do rough.  The thought of him writhing below me as I held his hips and fucked him hard was distracting.

Pushing it to one side, I carried on working.  I had to get this done so I was home in time for him.  That was a hell of an incentive.

***

The clock read bang on six o’clock when Duke knocked on the door.  He charged in, filling the room with his presence the way he always did.  He tossed a bottle of lube at me and strode towards the living room, pulling his clothes off as he went.  I trailed in his wake, certain I looked as bemused as I felt.

He stood there, wearing nothing but a wicked grin and I couldn’t help but think that this wasn’t how I’d expected this to go.

“So.  How are we doing this then?”  He asked, conversationally, as though he hadn’t just arrived and thrown his clothes across my hallway.

I  _ really _ needed to take back control of this.  He might be offering himself on a plate, but I knew what he wanted.  “Well you can start by putting your clothes back on and getting that pretty ass into the bedroom.”

Apparently ignoring my instruction to get dressed, he headed in the direction of the bedroom.

“You’d better have clean sheets,” he grumbled as he went.

Seriously, I don’t know what he takes me for sometimes.  I might not be the best in the kitchen but I’m not a college kid any more, I do have  _ standards _ .  It was impossible for me to resist giving his ass a slap as he climbed the stairs and my handprint stood out, red against his pale skin.  It was a good look on him and I was captivated by it.  As he stepped onto the landing, I added a matching one to his other cheek.

He laughed and turned to look at me, walking backwards into the bedroom.  His eyebrow was raised and his hands were stretched out to the side, an unspoken question.  ‘Is that all you’ve got?’

God he’s irritating when he’s like this.  It just makes me want him  _ more _ .  He was so full of bravado and fake confidence again.  I wanted to make him drop it, to show me the man I’d caught glimpses of behind that mask.  I worked to keep my expression neutral as I pulled a pair of handcuffs out of my pocket.  Before he realised what was happening, I had his arms pulled behind his back, secured by the metal around his wrists.

If I’d thought that would get a reaction, I was wrong.  He looked back at me with a hint of arrogance, almost as if he was bored, but his eyes were dark and his cock was hard.  I pushed him back against the wall and pinned him there with my hips.  Heat flooded downwards and my jeans were suddenly  _ too tight _ .  I had Duke just where I wanted him and it was all I’d fantasised about and more.

Taking a handful of his hair, I yanked his head back, determined to prove that I was in control.  He whimpered loudly, closing his eyes for a split second before hiding his reaction behind an expression of boredom, desperately trying not to show how aroused he was.

“If you don’t want me to think you’re enjoying this, try not to moan so loudly,” I murmured into his ear, drawing another whine from him.  My fingers gripped his jaw firmly, forcing him to look at me.

“You wanted to be grabbed and taken.  Careful what you wish for.”

His whimper was louder this time.  Good.  It told me that he was into this, that he  _ wanted _ it.  He couldn’t hold onto the pretence of disinterest for long.  It briefly crossed my mind that I could keep this up, make him beg to be fucked, get him so turned on that he would do  _ anything _ .  

That wasn’t what I wanted though.  I wanted to fuck him.  To drive him into those sheets, feel his ass gripping me, his body beneath me.  I was too impatient to wait.  He wanted to be taken and that’s exactly what I was planning to do.

Stepping back, I told him to bend over the bed and watched him move on unsteady legs, positioning himself with his ass up, ready for me.  God, that was a seductive sight.  I left him to wait while I peeled off my clothes, knowing the anticipation would drive him wild.

He shivered lightly as I dripped cold lube onto him and started slowly, steadily, working it into him.  One finger, then another, and another, opening him up, getting him ready for my cock.  Soft mewls were coming from him as he pushed against my hand, wanting more.  My fingers curled, bumping his prostate and making him cry out.

That was it, my patience couldn’t take any more.  He looked wonderful like that.  Deliciously exposed, stripped bare, ready to be fucked.  I rolled on a condom and added more lube.  Couldn’t have too much lube for this and I fully intended to fuck him hard, in just the way he wanted.

God, even with the prep his ass was tight around me, gripping onto me, sucking me in.  He pushed back against me, not giving me the chance to take this slowly.  Clearly he’d meant what he said about being  _ taken _ .  I placed my hand on his back, holding him still, telling him to let me do this.  He settled under my touch and I knew that right now, in this moment, he belonged to me.

Once I was fully lodged inside him, I paused, giving him time to adjust around me.  I ran my fingers softly down his back, the skin smooth and unbroken by tattoos.  He shuddered under my touch and I turned my touch into a light scratch, faint white lines appearing.  A soft moan escaped him and he shifted below me.  I increased the pressure, harder and harder, leaving bright red stripes across his skin.  He arched his back, seeking  _ more _ , enjoying the sensation that I knew must be not-quite pain.

His back was now a criss cross of blazing stripes and I was sure he’d still be feeling that in the morning.  I carried the motion of my hand down, across his ass, scratching there, and drew my arm back to deliver a soft spank.  A low, deep, groan of satisfaction escapes him and I know he’s enjoying this as much as I am.

My hand fell again and again, turning the skin on his ass pink.  I switched sides, making sure it was even, before scraping my fingernails across the sensitive, reddened, skin, leaving deeper lines running across it.  It was a beautiful sight.

The metal of the cuffs was cold against my belly as I bent over him.  I tugged on his hair to raise his head and whispered in his ear.

“You like that, don’t you?”

It wasn’t really a question but he hissed out an answer anyway.

“Good.  You’re  _ mine _ .”

He whimpered and bucked against me.  “Fuck me,” he pleaded.  “Just...fuck me.”

That was my undoing.  I couldn’t wait any longer.  My fingers dug into his hips, holding him still as I drove into him, giving him what he’d asked for, taking my pleasure.  He whimpered on each stroke, sounding caught between pleasure and pain and I knew that was exactly where he wanted to be.

It was too much and I couldn’t hold back.  I came, lodged deep inside him, as he writhed beneath me, and  _ fuck _ it was all-consuming.  My legs started to buckle and I pulled out of him, leaning on the bed for support.

“Nathan…”  There was a whine in his voice as he sought my attention.

“Get up,” my voice sounded harsh and he obeyed immediately, struggling back into a standing position with his hands still cuffed behind him.  Gathering my breath, I pressed him backwards against the wall and dropped a kiss to the smooth skin on his neck.  He shivered against me and I held him to the wall more firmly.  My teeth nipped at the junction where his neck joined his collarbone and he purred his satisfaction.  I sucked, hard, being none too careful with my teeth, drawing the skin into my mouth.  I checked my handiwork.  Good.  Nice and red, visible if he wasn’t careful with what he wore tomorrow.

I growled into his ear.  “That’s gonna bruise and everyone’ll know you belong to me.”

He whimpered as his hips thrust towards me, desperate for my hand on his cock.  I relented.  He was so wound up.  Now wasn’t the time for edging, I didn’t think he could take much more.  I wrapped my hand around him, feeling his cock hot and hard in my firm grip, and began to move.  Quick, hard, strokes, bringing him ever closer.  It was over in seconds and he looked beautiful as he came with his head thrown back and his eyes closed, gasping for breath.

As soon as he’d recovered enough to stand on his own, I picked up the key for the cuffs and unlocked them.  I massaged his arms, shoulders to hands, easing any stiffness that might be there before he tried to move.  He stretched out and smiled at me.

Returning the smile, I asked him if he was ok, wanting,  _ needing _ , to check in.  That had been...well, intense didn’t quite cover it.  If he was feeling it as well, I needed to  _ be there _ for him.

Telling me he was fine, he left to go to the bathroom.  I winced when I saw his back and ass.  The colour had faded but the lines were still there.  Had I done that to him?  I felt slightly sick with myself.  Fuck what he wanted,  _ I _ needed him here.

“Are you staying over this time?”  I asked him when he came back, desperately hoping that he would just say yes and not make me beg for him to stick around.

He smirked, the bravado back in place.  “Will you be offended if I don’t?”

“Probably.”

“Then I’m definitely leaving.”

But as he said that, he got into bed and pulled the covers over him.  It was a start.  I’d seen glimpses of who he really was behind the mask and I wanted to see  _ more _ .  We’d known each other for years but I still didn’t really know what made him tick.  All I knew was that if I pushed, he would shut down harder.  It was up to me to be patient and wait ‘til he was ready.  I could do that.


	12. Chapter 12

**Duke**

My back and ass are stinging and I know I’m going to have lingering memories of this night.  My balls ache with the deep satisfaction that only comes with the type of mind-blowing orgasm that Nathan has just given me.

He asks me to stay and I put up a half hearted protest.  He looks sort of lost and hopeful and...gods, he almost looks like he might  _ break _ if I say no.  So I slip between the sheets and pull the covers up.  Now it’s over, I feel awkward, like I’ve let my defences slip.  I try to fix the mask back into place but I know he can see straight through it.

Oh fuck it.  This really isn’t just sex, is it?  Despite my best intentions, here I am, letting myself get close to someone again.  Maybe I should just  _ stop _ , to put an end to it here and now, not do this again.  But...the sex is so  _ good _ and he just  _ gets it _ , gets me, what I want.  I want more, not less.

His voice cuts through my reverie.  “Your back looks sore.  Is it ok?”

“It’s fine, looks worse than it feels.”

“Are  _ you _ ok?”

He stretches his hand towards me, hesitating, as though he’s not sure he’s allowed to touch me.  It’s amusing.  After everything he’s done to me, he’s worrying about a simple affectionate gesture.  I realise that actually, it’s something we haven’t talked about, whether this is ok.  I roll towards him so his hand falls on my shoulder and the warmth of the physical contact is welcome.

“Yeah, I am,” I try to reassure him.  “You didn’t do anything I didn’t want.  You didn’t take it too far.  Is that what you’re worrying about?”  I decide to ask him straight out because this shyness isn’t  _ Nathan _ .  He might be awkward, he might not say much, but he isn’t unsure of himself like this.

“Bit,” he admits with a half smile.  “Just needed to hear you say it.”  He sounds more confident now and presses closer against me.  His arm moves from my shoulder to wrap around my waist and I relax into him.

This is well past the point that I would normally be pulling my pants on and making for the door.  It’s different.  Better.  He falls asleep before I do and I wriggle out from under his arm without disturbing him.  I think about leaving, but he’s sleeping, believing I’m here and I don’t want him to be disappointed when he wakes up.

Instead, I watch him sleep.  He’s relaxed and peaceful, younger somehow.  The lines on his face from years of worry and stress are gone.  I forget, sometimes, just how much his job takes out of him.  It’s tempting to touch him, to run my fingers across his cheek and stroke his hair.  I’ve never touched him like that.  I mean, of course I’ve  _ touched _ him, but not in that way.  Not a lovers touch.  I won’t do it though.  Too much risk of waking him.  Too much like intimacy that I’m still not sure I’m ready for.

Can I do this?  Whatever  _ this _ is?  It feels impossible that I can trust him not to hurt me.  Too much of that in my past and I don’t particularly want to go back there.  Safer to keep part of me locked away.  He doesn’t need to see the darkest parts of me.

I fall asleep thinking about the past and he’s gone when I wake up.  He must have been gone for a while because his side of the bed is cold.  He’s taken the time to leave me a note, written in his slanted, spiky, handwriting that I know so well, left on the pillow so I can’t miss it.

_Fresh coffee in the pot.  Last night was fun.  Friday, your place?_

Fun.  Yeah, that’s a typical Nathan understatement but it makes me smile.  It’s as good a word as any.  I can think of others.  Outstanding.  Fantastic.  Exceptional.  But fun pretty much covered it.  And he wanted to do it again.  I was relieved he wasn’t here to see me grinning like a lovesick puppy.  What is wrong with me?  I don’t  _ do _ this.

The coffee is cold, I slept late, so I skip it and pick up an Americano on my way back to the Gull.  I’m already running behind on lunch prep so I work like a whirlwind to get everything ready on time.  

It’s a busy lunch service, tourist season is starting to get into full swing, and I’m thankful to be rushed off my feet.  It’s easier to  _ not think _ when I’m busy.  I throw myself into the work, greeting customers, serving drinks, making menu recommendations.  All the stuff I’m good at.

My back isn’t so sore now, the stinging has subsided overnight, but I’m aware of it every time my shirt shifts across my skin.  I take a moment to check it in the washroom mirror.  The lines his fingernails left are still visible.  Faint, but clear enough if I look.  It’s a pleasant reminder of a wild night and I’m slightly shocked at how powerful it feels that he’s marked me as  _ his _ .  I button my shirt back up, making sure the hickey he gave me is covered.  Not that I really mind anyone seeing it, I’d just rather not explain who did it.  Not yet anyway.  Not until I know what we are, what we’re doing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Nathan**

It was still dark when I woke up beside Duke.  I was pleased that he stayed, even more so that he stayed all night.  He didn’t find this stuff easy, I knew that.  Grey light was creeping through the curtains by the time I was showered and dressed and I watched him sleep.

He looked so calm and open, very different to the wariness I saw when he was awake - he was always on guard, keeping his eyes open for threats in every corner, every shadow.  I supposed I was the same.  Because, you know,  _ work _ .

And he was still.  He was never still when he was awake, except when he was doing yoga.  Everything he did was expressive; big, open, movements meant to distract people from what he was saying.  All part of the disguise he used to keep his true self hidden.

Leaving him to sleep, I brewed a pot of fresh coffee and poured myself a mug to take with me.  I was already running late, couldn’t waste any more time.  I took a moment to scribble him a note and dashed upstairs to leave it on the pillow where he’d see it.  I didn’t want him to think I’d just  _ left _ .

That note played on my mind all day.  ‘Fun’?  Really?  I couldn’t do better than ‘ _ fun _ ’?  I sighed deeply.  I could always brush that off as being half asleep when I wrote it.  But I’d also added that bit about Friday at his place.  What I’d actually meant was more along the lines of ‘I’d really like to do this again, are you free on Friday?’ but in my rush, I knew it read more like a booty call which really wasn’t  _ me _ .  I didn’t want him to think it was just about that, because it wasn’t.  For me anyway.  And I didn’t think it was for him, either, although he pretended it was.

Every time we’d seen each other, we’d ended up doing  _ something _ .  Whether it was his cock in my hand, or mine in his mouth, or...like last night, it always ended the same way.  I needed to change that, to show him that, while the sex was great, it was about  _ us _ as well.  

Because it was.  I  _ liked _ him.  I enjoyed his company, his humour, the caring side he thought no one noticed.  There was so much about him that I hadn’t discovered yet and I wanted to find out.  What did he do when he wasn’t working or playing poker or fishing?  Who was he when there was no one around?  Did he have a passion which burned deep in his soul?

Of course, showing him that I wanted that, that it was about  _ him _ more than the sex, well that was another matter because he didn’t seem ready to accept that.  I could only try, and  _ keep _ trying, keep proving to him that I wasn’t going anywhere.

First step, spend some time together.  No sex.  Just the two of us.  Almost a date, but not.  I knew if I asked him out to dinner or whatever, he’d say no.  

Later that night, I picked up a takeout pizza and a pack of beer and went to the Rouge.  He greeted me suspiciously, trying to work out what this was about, but his stomach rumbled noisily as he reacted to the smell of the pizza.

“Figured you wouldn’t have had time to eat,” I explained.

He didn’t waste any time in tearing open the pizza box and devouring a slice.  “That would be a fair assumption.  Tourists.  Busy,” he admitted as he reached for a second piece.

I cracked open a couple of beers and passed one to him.  He clinked his bottle against mine, top and bottom, the way we’d done for years.  It was so  _ familiar _ and I hoped to god that I wasn’t about to fuck this all up.

After we, well, Duke, had finished eating, I put the leftovers in the fridge and wandered round the living area.  I hadn’t realised he had so many books.  A whole range of titles from popular fiction to the greek classics and something I couldn’t understand which was clearly written in cyrillic.

His eyes were watching my every move, as though he was challenging me to say something.

“Interesting collection.”

“Not what you expected considering I barely finished high school?”  He sounded defensive.

Shaking my head, I replied.  “Not that at all.  Just...Russian?”

That made him laugh.  “It’s boring and lonely spending months at sea.  Not much else to do.  I taught myself Russian and kept well stocked with books.  Can’t exactly get television in the middle of the Atlantic.”

“Makes sense,” I nodded.

He shrugged back at me and stared at me intently.  “I can think of much more  _ fun _ things we could be doing instead of discussing my vast array of literature.”

To be fair, so could I, but that wasn’t what I was here for.  “What did you have in mind?”

Long strides carried him across the room to step into my space.  His breath was warm on my cheek as he leaned close and murmured into my ear.

“Repaying you for dinner.”

“No,” I tried to gentle my tone but it still came out more harshly than I’d intended.

He blinked, just once, and backed off, clearly stung by the rejection.  Stepping away, he reached for the bottle of whisky on the shelf.

“Duke,” I grabbed his arm but he wrenched it away from me and sat down, staring morosely at the glass of scotch he’d just poured.

Grabbing another glass, I sat opposite him and poured myself a drink.  “You don’t owe me anything, you know.  I just wanted to spend some time with you.  Believe it or not, I don’t actually hate you.”

The attempt at humour fell flat but he brightened after that and pulled out a deck of cards and a stack of chips.  We played poker and drank and talked shit until we were both yawning and Duke’s eyes were growing heavy.  It was late and I told him I should be going.  I’d had too much to drink to be able to drive home but it was a nice night and it wasn’t far to walk.

“You could stay.  If you wanted to,” he sounded hesitant, unsure of himself and I wondered if this was as new for him as it was for me.

I definitely wanted to, there was no question about that, and it felt like a huge step forward that he’d asked me to.  Once we got the inevitable awkwardness of forgotten toothbrushes and spare towels out of the way, we settled into bed, shoulder to shoulder.

As much as I hated the fact that he didn’t sleep well, that he didn’t feel secure enough even in his  _ own home _ to sleep deeply, I couldn’t deny that I felt  _ safe _ with him.  Lying there, listening to his rhythmic breathing in the dark, I nodded off pretty quickly, knowing he was awake and watching over me.  


	14. Chapter 14

**Duke**

It’s nice, waking up next to Nathan.  I forget sometimes how much I miss the little things like this.  The closeness.  It’s been years since I had this.  If I even did have it.  It feels right.  Safe, somehow.

But I know it’s a dangerous game we’re playing.  Not the sex, that’s all fine, but  _ this _ .  It’s heading down the path towards a  _ relationship _ and I don’t know if I can do that.  I’ve never been very good at them, too independent for my own good I suppose.  Not that I haven’t  _ tried _ but I’ve lost something of myself in each one and I’ve only just stuck myself back together after the last one damn near killed me.

No, relationships are very definitely  _ not _ my thing.  It won’t be easy making that leap but maybe if it’s just this...sex and occasional beer and poker nights with a sleepover...maybe that would be ok.  I can do that.

Thing is, I don’t know if it  _ can _ be just that.  It’s Nathan and he’s been my friend for more years than either of us wants to think about.  If I fuck this up, I’m losing more than just a bed partner, I’m losing my best friend, the man I’ve had a crush on for so long.  It feels as though it should be all or nothing and at this point,  _ nothing _ is probably safer.  The thought makes my stomach clench.  No,  _ nothing _ is not an option.

He stirs next to me and I give him a nudge.  He’s already late for work.  One of us should have set an alarm.  Of course, I  _ could _ have woken him up as soon as I realised how late it was but in all honesty, I was enjoying having him in my bed, even for just a few extra minutes.  

As soon as he notices the time, he flies out of bed and pulls his clothes on.  He pauses just long enough to give me a kiss on the cheek and disappears out of the door, shouting something about Friday night.

***

Friday night doesn’t come soon enough for me and I’m on tenterhooks waiting for him to arrive.  He’s prompt, as he always is when work doesn’t get in the way, and he’s standing in my doorway looking completely, unequivocally, gorgeous.

The urge to give myself to him overwhelms me and he’s barely inside the door before I’m pressed against him and pushing him backwards, leaving him in no doubt as to what I want.  He goes willingly, happy to let me take control for a moment.  It doesn’t come naturally to me but I want to do this, make sure he knows just how much I want  _ him _ .

He laughs as his back hits the wall, a soft chuckle of surprise.  Our hips are pressed together and I feel him harden against me.  There’s so much intensity in his eyes that I drop my gaze.  It feels as though he can see inside me.  His hand comes up and his fingers tighten in my hair, pulling my head back up so he can watch my face.

“What are you planning to do now you’ve got me here?”

Well that’s the thing, isn’t it?  I don’t know.  I’m usually on the receiving end of this and I have no idea what to do next.  I try to lean in to kiss him but he pulls my hair, not letting me move.  I strain against his hand, desperate to get my mouth on him, to feel his skin under my lips.

“Tell me what you want,” his voice is sharp and demanding and I melt.

“I want to suck your cock,” I tell him, keeping it simple.  My arms hang loosely by my sides, fingers brushing the top of my thighs.  I know I can push his hand away at any time but that isn’t the point of the game.  This is what I want, for him to take control, to allow or deny all of my pleasure.

“Really?”  He says, drily, with a bored expression on his face.  “C’mon, Duke, you can ask better than that.”

“Please let me suck your cock,” I try.  I want to do this for him, want to make him feel good.  I want to be down on my knees with him in my mouth.  I want to hear the noises he makes when he’s enjoying it.

“Try harder.”

“Please, Nathan, please let me suck your cock, I want to taste you,” I can’t believe he’s making me beg for this.  Asking is one thing, begging is quite another.  It’s humiliating and hot and I am loving every moment of it.

“Do you deserve it?”  

Oh god, it’s like his words go straight to my cock, making me throb.

“Yes,” I hiss out as his fingers tighten in my hair, not letting me look away from him.

“I’m not sure you do”

“Nathan...please…”  I hate the whine which has crept into my voice but then his hand is pushing my head down, wordlessly giving me permission.

As my knees hit the floor, I feel as though this is where I’m meant to be.  I hurry to undo his belt buckle, silently cursing him for wearing clothes which are difficult to get off.  His free hand reaches into his pocket and he passes me a condom.  I roll it onto him as soon as I free his cock from his boxers and he gasps as I take him into my mouth.

I don’t waste any time, he needs this as much as I do.  Maybe it was my begging that did it, maybe he just enjoyed humiliating me in that way, but it feels like only seconds before he’s moaning and thrusting into my mouth.  His cock pulses as he comes and I feel his legs start to shake.  

He slides down the wall, his eyes glazed and his jaw slack.  When he hits the floor, he leans back, breathing hard, and I rest my hands on his knees.

“Fuck,”  he breathes.  “That was intense.”

As if I can’t tell that from the look of sheer bliss on his face.  He leans forwards to kiss me, his lips soft against mine, his tongue twisting and exploring, tasting me.  I pull away from him, acutely aware that I taste of latex and lube from the condom.  If he wants that, he’s going to have to wait while I brush my teeth.

I’m half expecting an objection as I get up and go to the bathroom but when I come back, he’s sitting right where I left him, still wearing that blissed out look.  I offer him my hand, pulling him onto his feet, and he falls into me.  He pushes me backwards but I wrap my arms around him and steady us both.

After a moment, he moves away and pulls up his jeans which are still pooled around his ankles.  He’s got himself together now and he’s back in control as he tells me to wait here and get undressed.  I do as he asked and wait, naked, in the middle of the room.

The minutes pass and I realise he’s deliberately leaving me hanging.  I’m torn between anticipation and frustration as I wonder what he’s going to do when he comes back.  

His eyes cast an appraising look over me as he enters the room and I feel his gaze like a caress.  I shiver in excitement as he strides across to me and kisses me deeply.  I’m forced back under the power of his movement and the backs of my knees hit the bench.  He carries the movement through and pushes me down.

We’ve been here before, that first night, but this time one strong hand pins my wrists above my head as his body covers mine.  I can’t move, I’m left with no choice but to surrender to his will.  It’s a captivating feeling and it’s easy to lose myself under the weight of his body on mine.  His other hand is on my cock, grasping hard and moving fast.

“Don’t come, don’t you dare come without permission.”

He repeats the words, over and over again, and it helps me to hold back.  It’s so good, so  _ fucking good _ that I know this is a battle I’m going to lose.  He wants me to try, so I do.  I control it, biting my tongue, willing myself not to peak, going to another place in my head.

Sensations narrow until there’s only the pin prick of light which is Nathan’s touch.  I can’t last, I know I can’t last.  He’s pushing me, he knows exactly what he’s doing as he moves his hand, as his voice keeps telling me I’m not allowed.  With every part of me, I try not to.  I try not to disappoint him.

He growls into my ear.  “You want to come now?  Then ask for it, beg me to let you come.”

I can’t be making those noises, those words can’t be coming from my mouth.  This isn’t me, it must be someone else.  I beg and plead, my hips moving on their own.  I’m not even thinking about it, my concentration solely on holding back.

And then, at last, the words I’ve been waiting to hear.

“Come for me, Duke.”

I do.  As the release hits me, I shout, my brain going foggy, thoughts gone, all semblance of control lost.  And I’m spiralling, down and down and down as I relax, feeling something deep and intense and content.

He releases my cock and whispers in my ear.

“You did so well.  I’m so proud of you.”

Even as I fight to normalise my breathing and bring down my heart rate, I’m filled with a sense of achievement at having pleased him.  


	15. Chapter 15

**Nathan**

He looked so beautiful like that, falling apart in my hands, begging and pleading for more, for me to let him come.  As soon as I gave him permission, he came into my hand.

It was intoxicating, having him under my control, knowing he would do anything for me.  I’d really pushed him and I was so proud that he’d held back for so long.  I told him so and his face showed me how much it meant to him to hear that.  I’d have to make sure I told him that more in the future.

The way he could just give himself to me, to put his pleasure and his pain into my hands and trust me to give him what he wanted left me with an insatiable longing for more.  I wanted everything he could give me, to see every part of him.  

When he was like this, he was almost unrecognisable as the Duke I saw every day.  I felt privileged to see him without his barriers up.  He was a like different man and the fact that he felt he needed to hide made my stomach clench with fury at everyone who had hurt him and made him feel that it was necessary.

All too soon, the mask was firmly fixed back in place, the moment was gone, and he was reaching for his pants.  I knew I’d have to be patient if I wanted to see more but I couldn’t help letting out a small sigh which made him look at me with a baffled expression.

“You ok?”  He asked and there was a moment when he looked almost insecure, as if he was really asking ‘was that ok’.

“Fine.  Sorry, mind wandered.”

“That’s not exactly a compliment, Nate,” he said, lightly, teasing, and we were back on familiar territory.  All the same, his use of my childhood nickname made me grin like an idiot.  It had been years since he called me that.

I laughed.  “If it helps, I was thinking about you.”

With his eyebrow raised, he waved his hand, gesturing to me that I should continue.

“How hot you look when you come,” I lied.  Well, it wasn’t a  _ lie _ because he did, but I didn’t think he’d appreciate the truth of what I’d really been thinking.

“In that case, I’ll let you off,” he replied, planting a soft kiss onto my cheek as he passed me.

After the inevitable clean up, he busied himself in the kitchen, whipping up a delicious meal that he claimed was ‘ _ nothing _ ’.  We sat and talked about anything and everything until we were both yawning.  It was funny, he could tell me anything about  _ now _ but he wouldn’t talk about his past, except for stuff I already knew, shared experiences.  He’d quickly made it clear that any discussion about his time away was off limits and I wondered it that had to do with his less than legal activities.  I hoped he knew that it wasn’t an issue for me, that I only cared about the man he was  _ now _ , that what he might have done in the past wasn’t any of my concern.

At least he seemed to accept that this wasn’t just about sex and that we could spend time together.  It felt like a step forwards.  He yawned and stood up, stretching his long limbs as he did so.

“As much as I’m enjoying the company, I really have to sleep.  Early shift tomorrow.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll go,” I reached for my jacket and keys.

He shook his head.  “I wasn’t kicking you out,” he looked vaguely amused.

I put them down again and glowered at him, wishing he would just  _ say _ what he meant.

“You can stay, if you want,” he added, offhandedly, as though he didn’t really care one way or the other.  

“Hardly the most romantic proposition I’ve ever heard,” I muttered at his departing back.  

Giving him a few moments, I followed him to the bedroom.  He was lying face down on the bed, the sheets rumpled around him.  His ass was on display and I had to resist the urge to give it a slap.  As he heard me come in, he craned his head to look at me and my cock twitched weakly at the inviting look he gave me.

“Are you coming to bed?”  He asked.

With a grin, I threw my clothes off and leapt onto the bed beside him, feeling stupidly happy.  Love drunk, I think they call it.  I couldn’t blame him when he laughed at my unusual show of enthusiasm.  His skin was warm against mine as I wrapped my arm around his waist and rested my cheek on his shoulder.  I could feel him breathing against me, slow and steady.

“You know, you have a really spankable ass,” I growled into his ear, my face buried in his hair.  He moved away and I was momentarily worried that I’d said the wrong thing but he only turned to face me.  

“Well you certainly seemed to enjoy it last time,” he grinned back at me.  “Maybe you should try it again.”

It  _ almost _ sounded like a dare and my cock was definitely beginning to show signs of life.  Now really  _ wasn’t _ the time for that.   “Maybe you should be careful what you say,” I teased him lightly.

“I always am.  I mean it, I am  _ definitely _ up for that.  It’s good...the way you do it.”

His words were reassuring and they helped me.  Sometimes I still wondered if I was doing the right thing, if I was pushing him too far.  I could only trust in him to tell me if I was.  We had a safe word and I hoped to god he never had to use it.  I didn’t think I’d ever be able to forgive myself if he did.

This time he fell asleep before I did and I stayed awake listening to him breathing, planning what I might do to him next time.

***

“Pull your pants down and bend over the bed,” I told him, making my face as stern as my voice.

He hesitated, clearly taken aback at being told to put himself in such a compromising position.  Working slowly, he unbuttoned his pants.

“Now, Duke!”  I said, sharply.

There was a slight grin on his face as he sped up and I realised that the mock-reluctance was just part of his game.  Hurriedly, he yanked his pants down to his knees and leaned over the bed, stretching his arms above his head and pushing his ass up.  God, he looks even more naked lying there, fully dressed with his pants pulled down and his ass on display.

The look he gave me as he glanced back over his shoulder was pure seduction.  He was telling me to  _ get on with it _ .  

As tempting as it was to launch straight into it, I ran my fingers softly across the smooth skin of his ass.  He shivered under the light touch and I wondered how long I could use this to wind him up before he begged me to spank him.

What an enticing thought.  Duke on his knees, pleading with me to hurt him.  Not an idea for now, though.  Right now, he was just where I wanted him and I was impatient to get going.

I started to tap his ass, gently at first, warming the skin with my hand cupped so it made noise without the sting.  He jumped at first, clearly expecting me to launch straight into it, but relaxed when he realised what I was doing.

Once I had his skin nicely pink, I delivered the first stinging slap.  My handprint stood out white on the rosy skin before turning a deep red.  I aimed the next one at his other cheek and he grunted as my hand fell with a  _ thwack _ .  

Working slowly and methodically, I kept spanking him, turning his ass from rose pink to deep red.  He writhed on the bed, not even trying to keep still and I planted one particularly biting slap as I reminded him to  _ not move _ .  His hands flew back to cover his ass.

“Ouch,” he glared back at me.

“Shut up,” I taunted him.  “Pretend all you like, I know you’re enjoying this.  Wouldn’t be so turned on if you weren’t.”

He laughed and mumbled something about it being a fair point as he removed his hands and settled back on the bed, waiting for me to start again.

I sped up, landing sharp slap after sharp slap, each one drawing a whimper from him until his skin was glowing a deep crimson.  Realising he was getting close to his limit, I stopped and stroked him gently, soothing his heated, tender, ass.

“God your ass is beautiful like that,” I told him, and even I could hear the desire in my voice.  “Stay there.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Duke**

Stern, in control, Nathan is  _ sexy _ .  The way he orders me to pull my pants down and bend over to present my ass for a spanking.  It’s somehow humiliating and arousing and I feel as though I’m completely exposed to him.

Of course I have to  _ play _ at being reluctant, even though every part of me wants to throw my clothes off and drape myself over the bed immediately.  He gets even more authoritative and I drop the pretence, bending over and looking back at him over my shoulder, trying to make my eyes say ‘do it’.

He still makes me wait, trailing his hand across my ass and making me shiver.  I’m so desperate for his touch that every muscle in my body strains towards his hand and I have to stifle a whine.  I know that if he keeps this up, I’m going to beg for him to spank me and I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thought.

I’m expecting him to go straight into a heavy spanking so I’m caught off-guard when he starts with light taps which sound noisy but don’t hurt.  He builds up gradually, waiting until my skin is nicely warmed up before he starts to slap harder.  One blow stings more than the others and I try to protest.  He can see straight through it, he knows what I need and I settle back down to wait for more.

The harsh slaps come thick and fast, each one drawing a whimper from me.  I can’t hold them back.  The feelings are all-consuming as he expertly navigates the narrow path of sweet, sweet, agony.  Just as I start to think I can’t take any more, he stops.  It’s as though he can see inside me, read me like a book, and he gently strokes the stinging away.

“God your ass is beautiful like that,” he says and his voice is thick with lust as he tells me to stay there.

He fucks me, then, deep and hard and fast, just the way I like.  He claims me, possesses me, and it’s  _ so fucking hot _ .  There’s no edging this time, it’s just rough, raw, passion as he takes hold of my cock and strokes me in time with his thrusts.

It’s over quickly.  Embarrassingly quickly.  But it is for him too so I guess we’re equally worked up and it’s kinda flattering to know I have the same effect on him as he does on me.

Afterwards, he holds me, the way he always does now, taking me in his strong arms and making me feel as though I’m the most important thing in his world.  I like to think he needs it more than I do but right now I’m not so sure about that.

***

The weather turns cold and rainy, signalling the end of tourist season, and the Gull is quiet when he comes in.  It’s late and he’s still in his work clothes which are soaking wet.  His face is drawn, dark circles under his eyes, and water drips from his hair.  He’s shivering as he takes a seat at the bar and orders a whisky.

Eyeing him critically, I grab a bottle and usher him up the stairs instead.  His steps are heavy and he can barely lift his feet as we go up to the apartment I keep over the bar.  Audrey had stayed there when she was in town but now it’s just a bolthole.  I keep it free in case any of my staff need an escape route and it’s well stocked with necessities.

I get a fire going in the wood-burner and start a bath running as he strips off his damp clothes.  Once he’s warming up in the bath, I take him a glass of whisky and hang his clothes up to dry.  He’s in there for so long that I wonder if he’s fallen asleep but he emerges wearing a towel and looking altogether more himself.

He sits next to the fire, soaking up its heat.  He’s stopped shivering and, when I touch his shoulder, his skin is warm again.

“Bad day?”  I ask him quietly, knowing he doesn’t like to talk about work but needing to ask anyway.

“Yeah, big wreck up on the coast road, been picking up the pieces since lunchtime,” he answers me equally quietly.

“Shit.  Anyone…?”  I don’t know how to finish that sentence.

He shakes his head.  “Everyone’s fine, walking wounded.  Could have been worse though.  Overturned truck blocked the road for hours, had to stay there til it was cleared and  _ idiots _ kept ignoring the road closed signs to try to come past.”

That’s a relief.  I hate that part of his job, the things he has to deal with sometimes, and I know he struggles with it every time.  Not that he ever tells me so, that stuff was firmly under the heading of Things We Don’t Talk About.  It suddenly occurs to me that he doesn’t tell me because he wants to protect me from it and my heart melts.

Standing up, I offer him my hand.  “C’mon.  Bed.  It’s late.  We can stay here tonight, it’s got everything we need and I’m sure I can rustle up some pancakes for breakfast in the morning.”

That draws a faint smile from him as he takes my hand.  I haul him to his feet and steer him into the bedroom.  He really is dead on his feet and he collapses onto the bed, only pausing long enough to rip off the towel from around his waist.

I fall into bed alongside him and pull him close.  He needs me tonight and he settles into my side, throwing his arm across my waist and his leg over mine.  He falls asleep with his head on my chest and I stay awake, enjoying the feel of him against me.  I drop a kiss onto his forehead and wrap my arms tightly around him.  It isn’t long before I fall asleep, still holding him close.


	17. Chapter 17

**Nathan**

I was touched that Duke took care of me like that.  It hadn’t been the  _ worst _ day I’d ever had but I was cold, tired, and  _ wet _ and a little bit of coddling had been appreciated.  It wasn’t so long ago that he would have poured me a drink and ignored me.  

At some point we were really going to have to define what we were doing because it had definitely moved on from just a bit of fun and into something more substantial.  I didn’t know if Duke was ready to have that conversation and I was scared that if I brought it up, he would step back and pretend it wasn’t anything more.

That was the last thing I wanted.  Better to wait and see where it took us.  I knew I wanted Duke in my life and there was no sense in rushing it to be something more than what it was.  I just hoped we were on the same page.

***

He rolled his eyes in annoyance when I passed him a condom.  He was kneeling between my legs with his hands brushing my ribs as he prepared to take my cock into his mouth.  He took the small foil packet out of my hands and tore it open with his teeth.

“Fine,” he grumbled.  “But they taste  _ terrible _ and I would  _ much _ rather be enjoying the taste of you.”

That was...actually that was quite hot but it really wasn’t very sensible.  Maybe I was worrying unnecessarily.  I’d had regular tests and the last one had been all clear.  I just didn’t want to put either of us at risk without a discussion about it.

“Talk later,” I told him as he rolled the condom onto me.  Thoughts of practicalities flew from my mind as the heat of his mouth encased me.

I half hoped he might have forgotten about it but he brought it up again almost as soon as we’d finished.

“I tested clean last month.  Hasn’t been anyone but you for,” he paused to think.  “Eight months.  So I’m all good.  If you want to stop using them, I mean.”

“Three months ago and there hasn’t been anyone else since last year.  So yeah, I’m all good too,” I replied, as my heart gave a little leap, pleased that there wasn’t anyone else in his life.

“Nathan,” he said, teasingly.  “Does this mean we’re exclusive?”

His words echoed my thoughts.  “Guess so,” I answered with a smile.

“Good,” he leaned in and kissed me fiercely.  “I can’t  _ wait _ to taste you, to feel you come inside me.”

It was an enticing thought as I imagined fucking him with nothing between us.  I pulled him close to kiss him deeply, trying to put all of my emotions into that one kiss.  His eyes were bright when he moved away and he looked as though he was about to say something, maybe that he should leave.  It was the middle of the afternoon and while he was happy to spend the night with me, sex at any other time usually had him leaving straight after.  

Braced to hear him say it, I was surprised when he snuggled back into me and rested his head on my chest.  I held him close and stroked his hair, still slightly bewildered that this beautiful man wanted  _ me _ .  Thoughts collided in my head and words threatened to tumble out of my mouth.  I wanted to tell him what he meant to me.  That he was my everything.

Not yet.  He wasn’t ready to hear that yet.


	18. Chapter 18

**Duke**

“You sure you know what you’re doing with that?”  I ask him, eyeing up the flogger suspiciously.  The black leather strands look soft enough but if he  _ doesn’t _ know what he’s doing… Well, let’s just say I have enough experience to know  _ exactly _ how badly that can go wrong.  I  _ also _ know just how good it feels when it’s done right.

“Yeah, been practicing,” he says with a smile that I’m sure he thinks is reassuring.  He steps close to me and his breath is warm on my cheek as he speaks.  “Do you trust me?”

I swallow hard.  He’s so distracting when he’s this close to me.  I can barely think, let alone speak.  His eyes are full of desire and I nod my head, silently telling him  _ yes _ , I trust him, more than anyone, probably more than I trust myself.  He won’t put me at risk.  If he says he knows what he’s doing, then he does.

Stepping back, he gives me space and lets me compose myself.  “Words, Duke,” he sounds exasperated but his lips are smiling and he’s clearly entertained by the effect he has on me.

“Yes, I trust you,” I reply, matching his tone with my own exasperation.  “Can we just get on with this?”

He laughs at my impatience and tells me to take my clothes off.  I do, torn between wanting to make a show of it for him and wanting to hurry things along.  I’m naked in front of him and he presses into me to back me into the wall.  It’s solid and cold behind me and I shiver.

“Turn round, hands above your head,” he growls at me.

I do what he says, pausing just long enough to question why he isn’t tying me up.

“Because you don’t need me to.  You want this as much as I do.  More probably.”

He’s right.  I know he’s right.  I  _ hate _ that he’s right.  I can’t convince myself that I’m doing this for him, it’s what I want.  To be completely under his control, to put the whole of myself into his hands.  I want to find out how much I can take.  How far he can push me.

My elbows rest against the wall and I lean my forehead on my hands as he trails the tendrils of the flogger lightly across my back.  He’s so gentle that it almost tickles and I have to choke back laughter.

A soft tap comes next and it’s a beautiful promise of what’s to come.  He repeats it, the leather striking all across my back and down onto my ass, warming the skin.  He teases me, the way he loves to do, and I can’t stop myself from whimpering in frustration.

I want more, I want harder, and I want him to make me beg for it.

He keeps teasing, those soft tendrils falling against my skin over and over again until I hear the words fall from my lips.

“Please, Nathan,  _ harder _ .”

He stops and for one awful moment I think he isn’t going to start again.  There’s a soft swoosh of air and exquisite pain fills my body as the soft-but-sharp strands of the flogger fall across my back, lighting trails of fire across my skin.  I arch my back towards it, wanting,  _ needing _ , more.  

Nathan repeats his actions, over and over, hitting a different spot each time, every stroke igniting something deep and primal inside of me.  My breath comes out as a whimper.  He doesn’t let up, he knows me, knows what I need, knows exactly how far he can push it.  He holds me balanced on the knife edge of pain and pleasure, keeping it just on the right side.

My back is burning and I’m gasping for breath when he stops.  He runs his fingers across the tortured skin and I don’t know if I’m in heaven or hell.  His shirt is rough against my back as he cradles me to him, pressing me firmly against the wall.  I crane my head around to kiss him deeply.  He kisses me back, briefly, a moment of sweetness before he moves away.

“You can take more for me, can’t you, Duke?  You don’t want me to stop, do you?”

I  _ can _ take more.  Because he wants me to.  Because  _ I _ want to.  I say yes and no in the right places and he carries on.  

He’s moving faster now, alternating between single blows and figures of eight, and my breath hitches as I choke back sobs.  I’m harder than I’ve ever been in my life as he keeps me hovering between enough and too much, and I know I’m close to my limit.

There must be a signal I give off, or maybe he just  _ knows _ , because he stops and eases me away from the wall.  My legs don’t want to cooperate and I’m grateful when he tells me to kneel.

He circles around me, trailing his fingers across my shoulders and I close my eyes to lose myself in his touch.  There’s a metallic scratch as he unzips his fly and I can hear the arousal in his voice when he speaks.

“Fuck, you look gorgeous like that.  Now get that pretty mouth wrapped around my cock.”

My cock twitches at his words and I do what I’m told.  I can taste him on my tongue as I lick around the head and open wide to take him in further.  He’s sweet and salty and  _ Nathan _ and he tastes every bit as good as I expected him to.

He grows harder in my mouth as I suck and he cries out as I swallow around him.  I work my head up and down slowly, taking him deep before pulling back to use my tongue and lips.  He’s panting as his fingers twist in my hair and pull me away.

“You...are... _ so fucking good at that _ ,” he tells me and I can’t keep the goofy grin from my face as I revel in the glory of his praise.

I take his outstretched hand and he helps me to my feet.  My legs are working again now and I let him guide me towards the bed.

“Lie down.  On your front.”

There’s something intoxicating about him ordering me around and I go willingly, arranging myself with my legs spread and my ass presented, waiting for him to take me.  His fingers are already slicked with lube when they touch me and he works slowly, frustratingly slowly, stretching me open, getting me ready for his cock.

“Hurry up,” I say, glaring at him over my shoulder and wriggling my hips.  I don’t want to  _ wait _ , I want him.  Now.

He laughs.  He actually  _ laughs _ .  “You do realise that’ll just make me go slower, right?”

Yeah.  Bastard.  I exaggerate a sigh at him but turn away and wait patiently while he makes sure I’m ready.  His fingers work inside me, twisting, scissoring, and I can’t help pushing against him.

Finally, he pulls his fingers out and replaces them with the head of his cock.  He enters me in one smooth movement and I’m grateful that he’s taken the time to prep me thoroughly.  He presses against me and the harshness of his clothes against my inflamed skin brings a whole new level of sensation.  His jeans scrape across my ass and his shirt prickles at my back as he leans his whole body along mine, forcing me more firmly into the bed.

Strong hands grip my wrists, pushing them above my head and pinning them there as he starts to move.  His breath is hot as he nibbles at my ear and he’s whispering sweet words to me, telling me how sexy I am.  I whimper and grind against the sheets, seeking friction.

“Keep still,” he tells me.  “You don’t get to come until I say.”

Fuck.  We’re playing this game as well.  A quiet whine escapes me but I do as I’m told and my cock throbs in response as he speeds up.  He moves faster and faster, pounding into me, and it feels incredible and right to be taken by him.  I can feel how close he is, I’m sure he’s growing harder inside me.  I push back against him, letting him know this is ok and his sharp teeth bite my shoulder as he comes inside me.

He’s still panting when he pulls out, letting out a curse as he does so.  I turn to face him and he leans in to kiss me, deep and passionate.  He smiles at me before he leaves the room and I’m sure he was intending it to be reassuring but all I can think is ‘fuck I hope he isn’t going to leave me like this’.

My cock is so hard it hurts and sweat is pouring off me.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so turned on.  If he leaves me like this, I think I might cry.  A wave of relief surges through me when he comes back just moments later.  He tells me to kneel on the floor again and my safeword is on the tip of my tongue when he picks up the flogger.  I know I can’t take much more of that.

“Trust me,” he says.

He trails the flogger across my cock and it jumps in response, making me feel as though I might shatter into tiny pieces.  Each breath I take comes out as a whine and I’m filled with naked desperation.  The leather on my cock is soft and smooth and tormenting.  Enough to arouse me further, not enough for me to come.

Stepping away, he picks up a bottle of water and raises it to my lips.  It’s cool and refreshing and I sip gratefully.  He tips the bottle so drips fall onto my cock.  They feel icy cold against the hot skin and I cry out at the new sensation.

“Come on, Duke.  You can take a little more, can’t you?  For me?”

I don’t know if I can but I nod, steeling myself.  Every muscle in my body is aching and shaky and I physically jump as he dances the flogger across my cock once more.  He kneels in front of me and takes me in his hand.

He whispers in my ear as he strokes, giving me the permission I so desperately need.

“Come for me.”

One stroke is all it takes and I fall apart under his touch.


	19. Chapter 19

**Nathan and Duke**

_ Nathan _

I wiped my hand down my jeans before I cradled his face in both of my hands.  He looked wrung out and I was wracked with guilt.  I did this to him.  He  _ wanted _ me to do this to him but it was me who did it.

After a moment, he focussed on me, his eyes meeting mine and I saw the tears there.  As I watched, they rolled down his cheeks, pure emotion slipping from him.  I wrapped myself around him, kissing away each tear as it fell.

He’d taken everything I’d thrown at him and done so much for me.  I didn’t know how I was ever going to show him how much it meant to me.  To have his trust, to see everything that he was, amazed me.

“Can you stand,” I asked him gently.

He nodded his reply and I stood to offer him my hand.  He took it and allowed me to haul him to his feet.  As soon as he was standing next to me, he let go, a show of his usual fierce independence.  He walked to the bed on shaky legs and I stayed close to him in case he needed to lean on me.

I settled next to him as soon as he was lying down and opened my arms for him.  He curled himself up and tucked against me.  I held him close and waited for him to settle, stroking his hair, murmuring how fantastic he was, how much I loved him.  He tensed at that.  I couldn’t blame him, it had just slipped out.

Maybe I could pass it off as being said in the heat of the moment.  All I knew was that now I’d said it, I didn’t want to take it back.  After a moment, he relaxed and settled back into me.  I wondered whether he’d choose to ignore it or whether he’d just accept it.  I was relieved that he didn’t say it back.  I didn’t want him to feel he had to.

***

_ Duke _

It’s a shock when Nathan says he loves me and I don’t know how to respond.  I don’t know if I’m ready, if I will  _ ever _ be ready, to answer that.  But it helps to know how he feels, even if he never says it again.  I can’t say it so I try to show it instead.  He’s seen everything now.  He’s seen me laugh, beg, scream.  He’s held me while I cry.  I can’t say it but I can stop hiding.

***

_ Nathan _

He changed after that night.  It was almost as though he thought that I'd seen him at his worst, that he didn't have to hide any more, and he became a more honest, open, version of himself.  Maybe it was hearing those words from me.  He was more calm, less likely to jump straight to snarking and the insults had less malice in them.  Finally, he started to accept affection without viewing it with suspicion. It no longer had to be an after sex thing.

***

_ Duke _

I think he’s surprised when I start showing affection in public, grabbing him for a hug in front of everyone, kissing him hello and goodbye.  There’s definitely an unmanly yelp from him at the station’s Christmas party.  I catch him under the mistletoe and bend him backwards in a classic Hollywood kiss.  He laughs as I lift him back up and hold him tight.

***

_ Nathan _

He still didn't say the words but then I didn't repeat them either.  Maybe it just wasn't "us".  I didn't need to hear him say it, he showed me every day.  It was in his smile, the way he held me before we fell asleep, the way he kissed me goodbye every time we parted, even if it was just for a few hours.  It was in the way he'd dropped his disguise and let his inherent kindness come forwards.

That's why it was such a surprise when he changed back.  

He'd been off all evening, flipping between quiet and withdrawn and loud and snarky.  He threw himself at me, pleading with me to tie him up.  I should have known better but I went along with it and it was hot, the way it always was.

There was something different about his face.  He looked harder, distanced.  I was used to seeing a challenging grin or unguarded openness.  Not this.  The way he was holding himself was off too.  Every muscle looked tense, stiff, as though he was ready to run but couldn't.  There was something badly wrong.  I quickly untied him and couldn't miss the expression of relief.

“You ok?”  I asked him as I reached out to touch his shoulder.

Shrugging my hand away, he forced a smile onto his face.  It didn’t reach his eyes and my heart sank as I tried to work out what was wrong.  The only thing I could think is that I’d done something he didn’t want.  If that was the case...I couldn’t finish that thought.

“Yeah, fine,” he lied.  “Why did you stop?”

I was surprised he had to ask.  “You weren’t into it,” I told him, trying again to make contact.  He let me this time and I could feel how tense he was under my hand.

“No, but you were,” he relaxed slightly.  “You know that’s what matters to me.”

Yeah, I did know but that wasn’t the point.  “Either we’re both into it or neither of us are,” I reminded him as I pressed myself closer into him.

He settled into my arms willingly enough, but the tension was pouring off him in waves.  It was as though he’d gone somewhere else in his head, somewhere I couldn’t follow.  He was so closed off and all I could do was stay near him and wait until he came back.  I hoped that he would.

_ *** _

_ Duke _

I’m being an ass.  I  _ know _ I’m being an ass but I can’t stop it.  One phone call.  So many memories brought to the surface.  I thought I’d moved past them but clearly I haven’t.

Evi.  One word from her and my mouth dries up and my hands start to shake.  I hate myself for reacting like this as much as I hate her for doing it to me.  Somehow I stay on the phone and listen to what she says.

And then I go home and I take it out on Nathan, snarking at him the way I always used to.  I need him to break through to me because fuck knows I can’t do it on my own, so I beg him to tie me up.  For the first time, I want him to punish me.   _ Really _ punish me.  The way I can’t do to myself.

He does and it isn’t fucking working.  I can’t escape the thoughts in my head.  Not even with this.  I try.  I try to push them to one side and concentrate on what he’s doing to me, but it’s no good.

When he stops, I try to hide how relieved I am.  I know this is one of my unhealthier coping mechanisms and I know how stupid it is.  I try to argue with him, explain that it’s what I want, but he won’t budge.  He’s like a rock sometimes.  My rock.

He stops and I have so much respect for him for doing that.  There are others in my past who wouldn’t have, who would have just given me what I thought I needed and carried on regardless.  I love him for noticing.  I love him for not letting me do that to myself.

He takes me into his arms and I try to relax.  Really I do.  I always feel safe like this, but all I can do is worry.  If Evi gets wind of this,  _ us _ , then what we have is at risk.   _ He’s _ at risk.  I won’t let that happen.  I have to protect him.  Whatever it costs me.


	20. Chapter 20

**Nathan**

Duke told me he needed his own space and I was trying to respect that, throwing myself into work as a distraction from worrying about him.  About us.  It had only been a couple of days but I missed him already.  Knowing that he didn’t want to see me right now just made things worse.

Gloria burst into my office like a furious whirlwind while I was eating my lunch.

“Nathan Wuornos!”  She shouted at me.  “What are you doing?!  You’re eating?!  You should be stopping him!”

I stopped with my sandwich halfway to my mouth and my jaw dropped as I gaped at her with no idea what she was talking about.  “Gloria,” I said once I’d recovered from the verbal onslaught.  “Wanna tell me what’s going on?”

She flung herself into the chair opposite my desk and glared at me for a moment before realisation showed on her face.  “Oh, kiddo.  He hasn’t told you, has he?”

“Said he needed space.  Haven’t seen him for a couple days.  What’s this about, Gloria?”

“It’s Duke, kid,” she told me, softly.  “I don’t know what that bitch has on him but he’s leaving.”

Adrenaline coursed through my body, making my pulse race and my hands go shaky.  “What?”  I replied sharply.

“Nathan, I don’t know what it is that you two have but you’re my only hope.  Stop him.”

She sounded as desperate as I now was, and I was halfway out of the door before she finished speaking.  Jumping into the Bronco, I broke every speed limit as I raced to the harbour, praying that he was still there.  Relief flooded through me as the Rouge came into view.  He hadn’t left yet.

“Duke!”  I shouted as I jumped onto the deck to find him packing away supplies.  He looked up in surprise as he heard my voice.

“Nathan?  What..?”  His face turned stony as the realisation dawned on him.  “Gloria told you.”

“Yeah and I’m glad she fucking did.  What the hell, Duke?”  I got into his face, demanding an answer, still shouting at him.  “You’re just going to fucking leave?!”

“I have to,” he yelled back at me.  “It’s only for a couple of months.”

Anger took over and I lost my patience with him.  “A couple of…?  Fucks sake.”

We were toe to toe, dangerously close to coming to blows when I grabbed the front of his shirt to force him backwards into the wall.  I just wanted him to listen and tell me what was going on.  Taking hold of his jaw, I made him look at me.

“Just...listen for a minute, would you?”  I asked him, keeping my voice low and measured, trying to contain my anger.  Talking had never been my strong point, especially when it came to feelings, but if ever a time called for it, this was it.  

“I fucking love you, Duke Crocker.  You mean the world to me and I am not letting you sail out of here without a fight.  If you go, I’ll fall apart.  Do you get it?  I don’t want you to go.”

All the fight seemed to leave him and he slumped against the wall when I let go of him.  He nodded an acknowledgement and took a deep breath to steady himself as he explained.

“It’s Evi. My ex-wife,” he spat the words out. “She wants me to do one last job for her and she promises to stay the hell away from me after that.  It’s the only way I’ll be free of her”  He seemed resigned, as though he didn’t have a choice and he was justifying it to himself.

I didn’t even know he’d been married, but his freedom had always been so important to him that I wondered why he was letting her control him like this.  All of the anger drained from me as I put together snippets of what he’d said.  “It was her, wasn’t it?”

He just stared back at me, not understanding.

“Who hurt you,” I added by way of explanation.

There was a flash of pain in his eyes before he looked away, dropping his head and nodding.  He looked ashamed of the admission and there was so much I wanted to say.  I reached out to cup his cheek in my hand as I stepped close to him.  

“You don’t have to go.  You don’t have to let her control you any more.”

Hope glimmered momentarily in his eyes before his face fell again.  “I do.  If I don’t, she’ll come here and...and I don’t want that.  I know her.  She’ll wreck everything good in my life.”

“I won’t let her,” I promised, squashing my fury at what she’d done to him.

He forced out a laugh filled with disbelief.  “You?!  You’d be her first target.  You don’t get it.  This is the only way I can protect you.”

So that was the bottom line.  He thought him leaving would protect me.  He could go and get her off his back and come back to me once it was safe again.  That broke my heart and I knew I could never let that happen.

“Bring it on,” I smiled at him.  “You want to stand up to her?  I’m right by your side.  Whatever you need.  I’ll arrest her if I have to.”

“Really?  You want to get involved with this whole mess?”  He looked absurdly hopeful, as though he couldn’t quite believe that I wanted that.

“Really,” I agreed.

“Even if…?”

“No matter what she says or does, I’m not going anywhere,” I interrupted him, not letting him finish that thought.  

There was no chance I was walking away.  It didn’t matter what she tried, I wouldn’t let her come between us.  Duke was too important to me and I’d do anything it took to keep her away from him.  Whatever he needed me to.

He breathed a shaky sigh of relief and nodded.  His eyes were dark and shining as he smiled at me.  “Then I’m not going anywhere either,” he said with fierce determination in his voice.

Stepping towards me, he took my face in his hands and held me still as he kissed me, deeply, thoroughly, passionately, and I knew he was here to stay.  Breaking the kiss, he whispered into my ear.  Three short words.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels like a good place to leave them but I do have vague headcanons about a part two dealing with the aftermath of Duke standing up to Evi. Watch this space :)


End file.
